Change!

As of October 31st of this year Brian and I were no longer the owners of the farm out in Dassel. I moved Brian up to Fridley to an apartment right across the street from his work a year ago in October. At that point in time it was absolutely a necessity as we could no longer afford the cost of commuting and still be able to keep our heads above water. I remained  out on the prairie until the house sold, then it was my turn to move to the apartment. Letting go of  things has always been a challenge for me. Perhaps it is because I love so deeply and become so attached to everything, I'm not sure why, all I know is that it hurts and  it causes me a lot of emotional grief. This time was different because it wasn't just one thing that I had to give up it was many things. It was my lifestyle, my family, my friends, my farm and everything on it, and my two very special companions, Fred and Blaze. Although Fred has a very good home I ended up putting Blaze with the SPCA. He has some very special needs as he was a feral cat that I had been working with to domesticate. He was soooo close but still had one thing to learn, litter training. No one would want him if he couldn't make that final transition. I had to sign him over to the humane society and had to give up all rights to him. I'm not even allowed to call and find out how he is doing but then I'd be crushed all over if I knew that he was still fighting and struggling with being in captivity. He loved his freedom! I don't blame him, I love it to. Does it sound stupid that I pray for Fred and Blaze every day that their transition will be made easier for them. They stayed by my side as I fought cancer and their purrs always comforted me. It was harder to give them up than it was to give up all my dreams for the farm. I need to stop and just let it go!

Now I am here in Fridley with Brian. Along with moving comes getting ones self reestablished, which I have been working towards.

 After filling out tons; ok- maybe not tons but a number of pages of medical history ect. I finally  saw my new oncologist, Dr. Tim Larson. He is very easy to talk to and so is his nurse. He checked my lymph nodes and  my abdomen and didn't find anything out of whack. The next thing was the blood draw. After 30 minutes of waiting I finally got the results. I am now into remission by 4 years and 3 months!!!  it is time to celebrate and do the Happy Dance once again!

The Letter

I received a letter from the insurance company today informing me that some tests had been approved to be done at the hospital. I was unaware of any tests that I was suppose to have. Then I read the letter all the way through. It was a pre-authorization letter for CT-Scans of my thorax, abdomen and pelvic regions. My oncologist had ordered them and they needed to be preapproved. To say that I am bummed out would be an understatement. I just wanted all of that nightmare to be behind me and never have to look back or even think about it. I just want to go on with life and forget that I ever had cancer. The last time I had any kind of a scan done was in September of last year. It was a PET scan then. They are more expensive than the regular CT scan but I was covered by three different health insurances back then. Now I only have Medicare part A and Blue Cross/ Blue Shield.

I suppose I should be grateful that the oncology department is keeping tabs on me.All the other people that were fighting cancer at the time I was; that would sit in the same room as me; that would have conversations with me; that were supposedly fighting cancer that could be cured; they are all gone. They lost their battles. True many of them had been fighting their battles for many years already. Some had fought battles and had been free of cancer for many years but it came back and it won.

I am grateful that I have had another year; another year to garden, another year to travel but more importantly another year to be with my family. Another year to see 3 new grandbabies! Another year to enjoy time with my son, Steve and his lovely wife, Diane. Another year! I have been cancer free for another year That is a blessing! I have now been cancer free for three years! My tests are scheduled for this Thursday at 8AM. I will find out the results when I see the PA on Monday of next week.
Here is hoping and praying that I will be granted another year without cancer!

Random Thoughts

It has been nearly four years since I was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma. Although I try not to think about it, there are times when it creeps into my thoughts. Most recently it has become a task master in that I am reminded that our time upon this earth is limited. 

In 1996 Linda Ellis wrote a poem entitled "The Dash". It refers to the years between our birth and our death and what we choose to do with those years.

 After reading "The Dash" poem my life has taken on a different perspective. With each task that I do, I wonder if I am spending my time wisely. Wasting time on foolishness, things that do not matter, seems sinful to me. I feel guilty when I take time to relax, if in that time I do not also accomplish something of value.

Finding balance in my life is important to me as when it loses balance it becomes chaotic. I am not sure if having a schedule is the way to go for me as I have found that being flexible prevents undue stress when life throws a boulder (a challenge or trial) in the path. I am reminded of President Uchdorf's talk on What Matters Most.

As I ponder that talk I think about what matters most to me in my life and the path seems clear on what I need to do to not waste my time, my "dash" while here upon this earth.

So what matters most to me?

My relationship with Deity.

My relationship with family.

My relationships with people in general.

My relationship with myself.

My love for the things that God has created for us, this planet on which we live, the creatures that dwell upon it, and for all living things,  except for Mosquito and a other obnoxious forms of pestilence, germs, bacteria and other forms of living organisms that raise havoc with the other living organisms.

I guess I need to be grateful for even those things as they provide us with the opposition we need to learn and grow. Life might be a little dull without having to make choices based on what is good and what is bad.

  

Another day to Celebrate!

The results of my PET scan came back this morning and everything looks good! I had been so worried that perhaps it had returned as I was having some of the same symptoms that I had prior to my diagnosis. I wonder if I will ever be able to let go of those anxious moments when I am not feeling well. It is so stressful.

I give thanks that our prayers are heard and answered and that I have been granted more time upon this earth. I must spend that time wisely as it is a gift from God.

I give thanks for my family and many friends who keep me in their prayers. I can feel when prayers are being said because some of that anxiety leaves. Thank you so much for helping me to carry that load. I pray that Heavenly Father and Jesus will bless you many times over for your kindness and compassion.

September 12, 2012- A GOOD DAY! I am free of cancer!

Life's Challenges

Cancer has  brought many changes to my life. I get tired out real easy and require more naps throughout the day. This week I found out, the hard way, why a face mask and gloves have to be worn when I am outside working.
Monday I cut off some low lying branches from the Blue Spruce tree. They were in the way when I tried to mow lawn and so they needed to come off. I started cutting off the dead limbs from the bottom and worked up the tree until I had the clearance that I needed to get the mower and myself under the tree. It turns out that those dead limbs develop mold spores, as part of the decomposing process, and that the tree gets dusty from not having the wind and rain to clean it off. In the process of removing the limbs I inhaled dust and mold spores, which caused my sinuses and face to swell up in a grotesque  manner. Not knowing what was going on, I made and appointment with my regular doctor. She thought I might have a plugged saliva gland and perhaps an infection so she started me on some strong antibiotics. Twenty- four hours later and the swelling had increased. I went to see my oncologist and found out that what was happening was an allergic reaction to the mold and the dust from the tree pruning on Monday. Normally I can be out by that tree, my garden swing sits under it, and it doesn't bother me but having the dust and the mold spores shake off of it and into my face and sinuses is a whole different matter. So no more pruning or cutting on trees for me, unless I take precautions.

Living with Cancer

The hard part about living with cancer is that you never know when, if or where it is going to "rear its ugly head" . Last week at my appointment, Dr. Oken found a slightly enlarged lymph node in my neck. I didn't stress too much about it until this morning when I had to start going back through the tests. I went into the ER for my pre-medications to prevent the allergic reactions I get to the contrast given before the CT scan. Those drugs always make me feel groggy and wipe me out. Having to face the possibility of the cancer coming back made me have to agonize over the decision to fight or not fight if it was back. That may seem like a no -brainer to some people but when you have gone through what I have the past two years you wonder if it is worth it. My life has changed substantially these past two years and many of the things that I enjoyed doing , I can no longer do. As I think about that though I just have to find things that I can do that I can enjoy and stay focused on that. I guess that is what it really boils down to- finding joy in this life. Elder Uchdorf just spoke on that very topic- hmm- need to go back and read it I guess.
New Bucket List:
Travel to visit family
Travel to visit friends
Join a bird watching club
Get the bike path between Litchfield and the Darwin ski hill built
Beautify the world around me- plant more plants; strike that one- keep the plants that I already have looking beautiful
travel to see the world- would need to win the lottery or be creative to come up with a way to pull this one off without incurring a massive amount of student loans or debt
dreams cost the same weather they are big or small- right?

Six Months already!!

I came home from town today to find a message on the answering machine. It was from the hospital reminding me to set up a time on Thursday or Friday of this week to see Dr. Oken.
I was hoping this day would never come; that everyone would just forget that I ever had cancer. Maybe it is me just not wanting to face the prospect of it returning. I hope that I never have to go through it again and I wish that I could just forget about it but I get reminded whenever I hear of another person losing their battle with it. I have not been to this site in a long time and I see that I have not been in touch with the chemo nurse like I was suppose to if I got sick. I think I have only had two illnesses in the past 6 months. I will have to get documentation from the clinic on those two illnesses. I do not want the stress, the anxiety or the drama that comes with going through this whole procedure. I just want it to go away.