Living with Cancer

The hard part about living with cancer is that you never know when, if or where it is going to "rear its ugly head" . Last week at my appointment, Dr. Oken found a slightly enlarged lymph node in my neck. I didn't stress too much about it until this morning when I had to start going back through the tests. I went into the ER for my pre-medications to prevent the allergic reactions I get to the contrast given before the CT scan. Those drugs always make me feel groggy and wipe me out. Having to face the possibility of the cancer coming back made me have to agonize over the decision to fight or not fight if it was back. That may seem like a no -brainer to some people but when you have gone through what I have the past two years you wonder if it is worth it. My life has changed substantially these past two years and many of the things that I enjoyed doing , I can no longer do. As I think about that though I just have to find things that I can do that I can enjoy and stay focused on that. I guess that is what it really boils down to- finding joy in this life. Elder Uchdorf just spoke on that very topic- hmm- need to go back and read it I guess.
New Bucket List:
Travel to visit family
Travel to visit friends
Join a bird watching club
Get the bike path between Litchfield and the Darwin ski hill built
Beautify the world around me- plant more plants; strike that one- keep the plants that I already have looking beautiful
travel to see the world- would need to win the lottery or be creative to come up with a way to pull this one off without incurring a massive amount of student loans or debt
dreams cost the same weather they are big or small- right?

Six Months already!!

I came home from town today to find a message on the answering machine. It was from the hospital reminding me to set up a time on Thursday or Friday of this week to see Dr. Oken.
I was hoping this day would never come; that everyone would just forget that I ever had cancer. Maybe it is me just not wanting to face the prospect of it returning. I hope that I never have to go through it again and I wish that I could just forget about it but I get reminded whenever I hear of another person losing their battle with it. I have not been to this site in a long time and I see that I have not been in touch with the chemo nurse like I was suppose to if I got sick. I think I have only had two illnesses in the past 6 months. I will have to get documentation from the clinic on those two illnesses. I do not want the stress, the anxiety or the drama that comes with going through this whole procedure. I just want it to go away.