Change!

As of October 31st of this year Brian and I were no longer the owners of the farm out in Dassel. I moved Brian up to Fridley to an apartment right across the street from his work a year ago in October. At that point in time it was absolutely a necessity as we could no longer afford the cost of commuting and still be able to keep our heads above water. I remained  out on the prairie until the house sold, then it was my turn to move to the apartment. Letting go of  things has always been a challenge for me. Perhaps it is because I love so deeply and become so attached to everything, I'm not sure why, all I know is that it hurts and  it causes me a lot of emotional grief. This time was different because it wasn't just one thing that I had to give up it was many things. It was my lifestyle, my family, my friends, my farm and everything on it, and my two very special companions, Fred and Blaze. Although Fred has a very good home I ended up putting Blaze with the SPCA. He has some very special needs as he was a feral cat that I had been working with to domesticate. He was soooo close but still had one thing to learn, litter training. No one would want him if he couldn't make that final transition. I had to sign him over to the humane society and had to give up all rights to him. I'm not even allowed to call and find out how he is doing but then I'd be crushed all over if I knew that he was still fighting and struggling with being in captivity. He loved his freedom! I don't blame him, I love it to. Does it sound stupid that I pray for Fred and Blaze every day that their transition will be made easier for them. They stayed by my side as I fought cancer and their purrs always comforted me. It was harder to give them up than it was to give up all my dreams for the farm. I need to stop and just let it go!

Now I am here in Fridley with Brian. Along with moving comes getting ones self reestablished, which I have been working towards.

 After filling out tons; ok- maybe not tons but a number of pages of medical history ect. I finally  saw my new oncologist, Dr. Tim Larson. He is very easy to talk to and so is his nurse. He checked my lymph nodes and  my abdomen and didn't find anything out of whack. The next thing was the blood draw. After 30 minutes of waiting I finally got the results. I am now into remission by 4 years and 3 months!!!  it is time to celebrate and do the Happy Dance once again!

The Letter

I received a letter from the insurance company today informing me that some tests had been approved to be done at the hospital. I was unaware of any tests that I was suppose to have. Then I read the letter all the way through. It was a pre-authorization letter for CT-Scans of my thorax, abdomen and pelvic regions. My oncologist had ordered them and they needed to be preapproved. To say that I am bummed out would be an understatement. I just wanted all of that nightmare to be behind me and never have to look back or even think about it. I just want to go on with life and forget that I ever had cancer. The last time I had any kind of a scan done was in September of last year. It was a PET scan then. They are more expensive than the regular CT scan but I was covered by three different health insurances back then. Now I only have Medicare part A and Blue Cross/ Blue Shield.

I suppose I should be grateful that the oncology department is keeping tabs on me.All the other people that were fighting cancer at the time I was; that would sit in the same room as me; that would have conversations with me; that were supposedly fighting cancer that could be cured; they are all gone. They lost their battles. True many of them had been fighting their battles for many years already. Some had fought battles and had been free of cancer for many years but it came back and it won.

I am grateful that I have had another year; another year to garden, another year to travel but more importantly another year to be with my family. Another year to see 3 new grandbabies! Another year to enjoy time with my son, Steve and his lovely wife, Diane. Another year! I have been cancer free for another year That is a blessing! I have now been cancer free for three years! My tests are scheduled for this Thursday at 8AM. I will find out the results when I see the PA on Monday of next week.
Here is hoping and praying that I will be granted another year without cancer!

Random Thoughts

It has been nearly four years since I was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma. Although I try not to think about it, there are times when it creeps into my thoughts. Most recently it has become a task master in that I am reminded that our time upon this earth is limited. 

In 1996 Linda Ellis wrote a poem entitled "The Dash". It refers to the years between our birth and our death and what we choose to do with those years.

 After reading "The Dash" poem my life has taken on a different perspective. With each task that I do, I wonder if I am spending my time wisely. Wasting time on foolishness, things that do not matter, seems sinful to me. I feel guilty when I take time to relax, if in that time I do not also accomplish something of value.

Finding balance in my life is important to me as when it loses balance it becomes chaotic. I am not sure if having a schedule is the way to go for me as I have found that being flexible prevents undue stress when life throws a boulder (a challenge or trial) in the path. I am reminded of President Uchdorf's talk on What Matters Most.

As I ponder that talk I think about what matters most to me in my life and the path seems clear on what I need to do to not waste my time, my "dash" while here upon this earth.

So what matters most to me?

My relationship with Deity.

My relationship with family.

My relationships with people in general.

My relationship with myself.

My love for the things that God has created for us, this planet on which we live, the creatures that dwell upon it, and for all living things,  except for Mosquito and a other obnoxious forms of pestilence, germs, bacteria and other forms of living organisms that raise havoc with the other living organisms.

I guess I need to be grateful for even those things as they provide us with the opposition we need to learn and grow. Life might be a little dull without having to make choices based on what is good and what is bad.

  

Another day to Celebrate!

The results of my PET scan came back this morning and everything looks good! I had been so worried that perhaps it had returned as I was having some of the same symptoms that I had prior to my diagnosis. I wonder if I will ever be able to let go of those anxious moments when I am not feeling well. It is so stressful.

I give thanks that our prayers are heard and answered and that I have been granted more time upon this earth. I must spend that time wisely as it is a gift from God.

I give thanks for my family and many friends who keep me in their prayers. I can feel when prayers are being said because some of that anxiety leaves. Thank you so much for helping me to carry that load. I pray that Heavenly Father and Jesus will bless you many times over for your kindness and compassion.

September 12, 2012- A GOOD DAY! I am free of cancer!

Life's Challenges

Cancer has  brought many changes to my life. I get tired out real easy and require more naps throughout the day. This week I found out, the hard way, why a face mask and gloves have to be worn when I am outside working.
Monday I cut off some low lying branches from the Blue Spruce tree. They were in the way when I tried to mow lawn and so they needed to come off. I started cutting off the dead limbs from the bottom and worked up the tree until I had the clearance that I needed to get the mower and myself under the tree. It turns out that those dead limbs develop mold spores, as part of the decomposing process, and that the tree gets dusty from not having the wind and rain to clean it off. In the process of removing the limbs I inhaled dust and mold spores, which caused my sinuses and face to swell up in a grotesque  manner. Not knowing what was going on, I made and appointment with my regular doctor. She thought I might have a plugged saliva gland and perhaps an infection so she started me on some strong antibiotics. Twenty- four hours later and the swelling had increased. I went to see my oncologist and found out that what was happening was an allergic reaction to the mold and the dust from the tree pruning on Monday. Normally I can be out by that tree, my garden swing sits under it, and it doesn't bother me but having the dust and the mold spores shake off of it and into my face and sinuses is a whole different matter. So no more pruning or cutting on trees for me, unless I take precautions.

Living with Cancer

The hard part about living with cancer is that you never know when, if or where it is going to "rear its ugly head" . Last week at my appointment, Dr. Oken found a slightly enlarged lymph node in my neck. I didn't stress too much about it until this morning when I had to start going back through the tests. I went into the ER for my pre-medications to prevent the allergic reactions I get to the contrast given before the CT scan. Those drugs always make me feel groggy and wipe me out. Having to face the possibility of the cancer coming back made me have to agonize over the decision to fight or not fight if it was back. That may seem like a no -brainer to some people but when you have gone through what I have the past two years you wonder if it is worth it. My life has changed substantially these past two years and many of the things that I enjoyed doing , I can no longer do. As I think about that though I just have to find things that I can do that I can enjoy and stay focused on that. I guess that is what it really boils down to- finding joy in this life. Elder Uchdorf just spoke on that very topic- hmm- need to go back and read it I guess.
New Bucket List:
Travel to visit family
Travel to visit friends
Join a bird watching club
Get the bike path between Litchfield and the Darwin ski hill built
Beautify the world around me- plant more plants; strike that one- keep the plants that I already have looking beautiful
travel to see the world- would need to win the lottery or be creative to come up with a way to pull this one off without incurring a massive amount of student loans or debt
dreams cost the same weather they are big or small- right?

Six Months already!!

I came home from town today to find a message on the answering machine. It was from the hospital reminding me to set up a time on Thursday or Friday of this week to see Dr. Oken.
I was hoping this day would never come; that everyone would just forget that I ever had cancer. Maybe it is me just not wanting to face the prospect of it returning. I hope that I never have to go through it again and I wish that I could just forget about it but I get reminded whenever I hear of another person losing their battle with it. I have not been to this site in a long time and I see that I have not been in touch with the chemo nurse like I was suppose to if I got sick. I think I have only had two illnesses in the past 6 months. I will have to get documentation from the clinic on those two illnesses. I do not want the stress, the anxiety or the drama that comes with going through this whole procedure. I just want it to go away.

The Second Four Sessions of Rituxan Therapy

For tha past four Thursday's I have been receiving Rituxan therapy to hopefully prevent my cancer from returning. The sessions have run from four to six hours in length. They have gone fairly well. The Benadryl that they give me prior to the treatments has pretty much knocked me out for 2-3 hours so time goes by relatively quick. To help prevent a fever, chills and body aches they give me two extra strength Tylenol. I have come away from each session feeling weak and tired but I am okay.

My next therapy treatments will not be for another six months. If I start getting sick or start having infections I have to let the chemo nurse know so that she can document them.
I also have to continue to watch for swollen lymph nodes but I am not expecting any problems in that area. I just need to be aware of what is going on with my body.

During the next six months I need to work on getting my plumbing back into working order.
I see Dr. Finne on Monday and the ball will get rolling from there.

I'm okay!

Both Doctors agreed that I am doing well. Will start my Rituxan therapy in September. Will get it every Thursday starting September 8th. Four rounds and then I will wait until June of next year to have another PET scan. Hoping and praying that I do not get sick like I did the last time they gave me Rituxan.
Will see Dr. Finney ( colo-rectal oncologist) September 12th. He will determine if it is safe to reconnect my bowel. Not sure but most likely that will take place in October. Just have to wait to see what happens.

Just wore out or something more?

Lately I have been very tired and sleeping alot. I have also noticed some pains in my abdomen and left arm pit so today I decided to go and get my blood checked. Iwaited att he hospital for the results and when they came back I wasn't too terribly surprised.
I have too much carbon dioxide in my blood and my white counts are low. The thing that kind of surprised me was that they were not this low very often while I was fighting cancer.
By the time I got home this afternoon there was a message from the hospital on te answering machine. Dr. Oken want s to see me tomorrow. I know that there is no cure for the cancer that I have but I pray that it will not come back so soon. There are other things which can cause a low white count and a diuretic is one of them. I am on a diuretic to get rid of extra fluids that build up in me so hopefully that is what the culprit is and I will be put on a different medication. Keep me in your prayers!

My First Anniversary

On Friday the 22nd of July i celebrated my first anniversary. It has been one year since my last chemotherapy treatment and I am still in remission!

Yesterday I took the day off of all work and spent the day with my sisters.
I took them shopping and then we went to the pool and hot tub at Americainn in Litchfield.
After that we went over to the nursing home to visit with Dad.
In the evening Brian, Cecilia and I took Brian's work car down to Chris' shop to have them look at it. By the time I got home last night I was one tired woman but it sure was a good day.
This morning it is back off to the races!
PHysical therapy then into Cecilia's house to help her get her junk/trash out to the transfer station. Next I'll be going over to Beatrice to help her pack up her house in preparation for moving. It's going to be another long one!

Long but good!

Where does time go?

June has come and gone and here we are approaching the middle of July. In my last posting I said that I was scheduled for another PET scan in June. I did in fact get one and it was done from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. There was no sign of cancer anywhere in my body! Remission feels good and I have been keeping very busy. I am putting in anywhere from 50 to 60 hours of work every two weeks at Lutheran Social Services and am able to keep up with my chores around home. That doesn't mean that I don't get tired! In order to make it through my shift at work I have to take a nap before going in. What use to be a 15- 20 minute power nap now takes about an hour or two. Some days are harder than others and I fight to stay awake but in time perhaps that will get better.
My once thin hair has become full again and has required cutting quite frequently. Before I got cancer I was afraid to cut it short because I was afraid of what it might turn out like. I am no longer afraid of what my hair will look like because I know that it grows back. That being said though I have discovered that I like my hair short and so I have chosen to keep it short.

It is soon coming up on my one year anniversary for being in remission. My last chemo treatment was July 22nd of last year. I went to the relay for life event after I finished my shift at 11PM and did a lap around the course. Along the way I found 2 luminaries that were extra special. I am not sure who made them but some one made one for my mother and another for me. That really meant a lot to me.

Brian just came and got me for a bike ride! It has cooled down from what it has been and the humidity is low. So cool and comfortable! Perfect night for a bike ride! We only went about 1 1/2 miles but it was so good to be back on the bike. Last time I did that was about five months into my chemo treatments. Not sure about that. I'd have to go back and look through the blogs!
it felt good anyway!

I've written a book about my ordeal with the cancer but am not sure if I will publish it or not.
As I have thought about it, I have thought that perhaps it would be too negative. Then I have rethought it and thought about a different approach to it so that it isn't so negative and then I rethought that because I thought about whom might read the book and wondered if it would be helpful or harmful to them so now I am not sure again. I guess time wil tell.

A Visit with Dr. Oken

Today I saw Dr. Oken for a follow- up of the PET scan. I was expecting to have him tell me that it was time to start the Rituxin rounds but instead he told me that because I am still in partial to full remission he was going to release me to go play and have fun. I have been placed on a three month schedule to get rechecked so my next appointment will be in June. He feels confident that the Lymphoma will not show its ugly head for another two years but told me that should I start to notice swollen lymph nodes or start getting sick more often that I will need to return right away.
It has been a good day!

Update on Six Month Check-up

The results of my PET scan came back and things are looking real good. The nurse called me with the results and told me that Dr. Oken was elated about how well things looked. So I am still in remission and feeling very well! I am working on regaining all of my strength and also working to drop 20 pounds by spring so that I will be able to resume my outdoor activites.
The warm weather we are currently having has brought on spring fever and the garden seeds are now on the shelves at the store. The one place I have to stay clear of is the local farm store, the baby chicks and geese will soon be in. I cannot look at them and not yearn for a flock to love and care for. I miss my birds!

Alas I have a barn that needs work and so I have to control my desire and fix the barn instead.

Six Month Check-up

It has been six months since my last Chemo treatment and so it is time for a check -up. I went in to see the doctor today and she ordered blood tests, a mammogram, bone density test, and a PET scan. I will see Dr. Oken again sometime next month. For now I am feeling well and am continuing to work on a part time basis. I am now on health care coverage through the State of Minnesota and can continue on this coverage as long as I continue to earn 68.01 per month. I pay 38 dollars a month for my health care coverage.
I found out yesterday though that the company that I buy my ostomy supplies from does not accept MA so I will have to continue to pay for all of my supplies out of pocket. It could be worse though so I'm not going to complain.

Brian's Working Vacation

After the second interview that Brian had with Schweitzer Engineering Labratories they were impressed enough to fly him out to Washington for a hands on interview. He spent the day taking tests, visiting with co- workers, the plant CEO, taking a tour of the facilities and being treated to lunch. Afterwards he visited with HR and received all kinds of information.
He flew out last Monday morning and came home Thursday evening late. When he arrived at the airport I received a phone call from him saying that he had lost the car key so I needed to come and bring a key to him. He appologized all over for this as he knows how tired I get. I do not travel very good at night so I called my sister and asked if she would come with me to the airport to bring him another key to the car. It was good to have her company for the 3 hour trip.

I finally got home around 2AM and in to bed by 2:30 but by then I was too tired and couldn't fall asleep. Fred ( our only cat) got me up around five. He wanted some interactive play time. All is well though.

Brian is home now and he feels good about the interviews. He should know by Friday if he will have a job. If he gets hired, he will leave for work asap and I will stay behind to clear up the loose ends of things. It will be a BIG job. I am both excited and apprehensive about the possibility of relocating. It is all in Heavenly Fathers hands from here and I know that He will do what is best for us.

2nd interview for Dad

Dad had his first interview with the company out in Pullman, Wa. this morning and is already scheduled for the second interview at three this afternoon. He is feeling very confident that he will get one of these positions.

All things done in order

The puzzle pieces are coming together and although we do not have all of them yet we are getting closer to having a finished picture.

Dad contacted Kelly Babakuel about our property and she said that the market is really poor. Meeker and Mcleod counties are way down. A 10 acre farm with a house and a barn recently sold for 102,000. That doesn't leave much hope for our place, however she knows a couple in Hutchinson that are looking for a place with a shop. Guess what we have? Kelly is going to give them our phone number so that they can call us.

A couple from our ward, who have six children recently got hired out in Court te' lain (spelling) Idaho and told us that there are many jobs out that way so dad went on line to take a look. There are jobs and so Dad applied for some. One is in Boise , Idaho and several are in Pullman, Washington. Pullman is seven miles from the Idaho border in South- Eastern , Washington. It is at the intersection of US Route 195 and State 27. We will see what happens.

I went back to work the day after we got home from our wonderful visit out west. Work went well but the next day I was sicker than a dog. I'm feeling better now and will work Thur, Friday, Sat. and Sunday.

I took my sister and two of her cats to the vet for check ups today. She left with only one of them. The other had feline leukemia and had to be put down. More than likely she will lose all the rest of them as feline leukemia is highly contagious.

Tomorrow, Dad will be taking the missionaries to the cities. One of them is being transfered out.
Friday, we are having them over for supper. Dad will have to fix it as I will not get off work until 4. Something else I forgot to tell you about the puzzle pieces- Although there is one family leaving a family from Pocatello, Idaho is moving in to fill in the void. He is a auto body specialist and is excited to help Dad get our big truck fixed up. He will be coming out Sunday after church. Dad might just get the opportunity to fix another meal!

Anyway Dad is by my side and wants to read all your blogs. Looking forward to hearing how everyone is doing!

Melinda- How'd your interview go?

Lots of love to all!

Return to Work

I returned to work and actually worked a three day weekend shift. It went real well and I enjoyed helping the ladies make sugar cookies, and helping them with their household chores. It was a fairly quiet weekend. I will be working every other weekend . It is emotionally satisfying to be back at work and to be able to get back to my normal lifestyle.

Day of Great Joy

It has been 3 & 1/2 months since my last Chemotherapy/ Rituxin Round and so today I decided it was time to have my blood Chemistry and my Protime / INR levels checked. I could have jumped up and down for joy when I saw the results. Everything is back to normal levels! My body has recovered from being knocked down! I give praise that Heavenly Father created us in such a way that our bodies can bounce back even after such horrible drugs have gone through them. I know however that He has also blessed me immensely from all of the fasting and prayers that have been said on my behalf. Thank you all for your love, encouragement and support during this past 10 1/2 months!