Most of the lab results came back good today. My Hemoglobin and the Hematocrit are low and I can feel it. They will continue to drop throughout this week until day 14 and then my body will start its rebound. My blood is still too thin and so the Warfarin had to be adjusted. Feeling light- headed and drowsy so will go to bed soon.
Daughter, Melinda and her two children, Jordan and Melia, are here with us for the week. I am enjoying their company and their help.We are having babies today! Stella, their Bearded Dragon has been laying eggs all day. Melinda set up an incubator for the eggs and we are hoping that they will hatch. I get to be a surrogate mom to the eggs and can't wait to see the babies coming forth out of their shells! Excitement all the way!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Reality 101
Cell death is painful in cancer treatment, at least it has been for me. After being up all Tuesday my evening got rough. The tumor was giving me sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen. I could have used a couple of aspirin then to kill the pain but because of the Warfarin I can not take aspirin.Instead I took my evening medications, said a prayer and slipped into bed. Fortunately,I was tired enough and was able to fall asleep. The pain disappeared sometime during the night.
Wednesday Beatrice and Myron, my brother and sister, came out to help me. Beatrice did the dishes and made supper for us. Myron made me a mesh cage for burning papers that I do not want going into the dump.It is still too windy to burn but one of these days that job needs to get done.
I had a meeting at church last night and that went well. After my meeting I spoke with the Young Men's president about the possibility of a service project for the boys. I have this huge, old Cottonwood in my yard and every year it drops more branches on the yard. It is a very messy tree and I did not get all the mess cleaned up this past fall. My concern is that the grass will take off and bury all those branches which can wipe out the riding mower. That project requires more energy than I have to put into it and so I hope that the boys and maybe even some of the young women from the church will come up and lend me a hand with that job. Hopefully the nice weather will continue and it won't be a miserable day for completing the task. I have requested that they come during the week that I feel good enough to be up and around so that I can help or at least tell them where to drop off all the dead wood and leaves.
Today I spoke with my supervisor from Lutheran Social Services. They need an update on my condition so that they can extend my leave of absence. The surgeon, Dr. Peterson took me off the weight restrictions so that I could go back to work but I am not so sure that it is a wise idea for me to go back yet. I was really anxious to get back to work, when Dr. Peterson put me on those restrictions but now that I am having the chemotherapy I am finding that I am getting tired out quickly with activity and need to rest more often. The second week after chemo is the hardest as that is when I really get hammered by he side effects of the chemo drugs.
After speaking with the oncology nurse about it today, I think that it might be a good idea to hold off going back to work for a while longer. Dr. Oken told me that as the tumor shrinks I should get more energy but because it is shrinking so slowly there is no telling how many treatments it is going to take before that happens.
It's only 9:30 P.M and I'm already starting to nod off as I am sitting here so I need to close but not before I say thank you to Molly, Sue, Beatrice and Myron for all the help they have given me this week. Thank you for being here for me and thank you for all the time you have spent to make my life easier. I really do appreciate it and have asked the Lord's richest blessing for all of you.
Wednesday Beatrice and Myron, my brother and sister, came out to help me. Beatrice did the dishes and made supper for us. Myron made me a mesh cage for burning papers that I do not want going into the dump.It is still too windy to burn but one of these days that job needs to get done.
I had a meeting at church last night and that went well. After my meeting I spoke with the Young Men's president about the possibility of a service project for the boys. I have this huge, old Cottonwood in my yard and every year it drops more branches on the yard. It is a very messy tree and I did not get all the mess cleaned up this past fall. My concern is that the grass will take off and bury all those branches which can wipe out the riding mower. That project requires more energy than I have to put into it and so I hope that the boys and maybe even some of the young women from the church will come up and lend me a hand with that job. Hopefully the nice weather will continue and it won't be a miserable day for completing the task. I have requested that they come during the week that I feel good enough to be up and around so that I can help or at least tell them where to drop off all the dead wood and leaves.
Today I spoke with my supervisor from Lutheran Social Services. They need an update on my condition so that they can extend my leave of absence. The surgeon, Dr. Peterson took me off the weight restrictions so that I could go back to work but I am not so sure that it is a wise idea for me to go back yet. I was really anxious to get back to work, when Dr. Peterson put me on those restrictions but now that I am having the chemotherapy I am finding that I am getting tired out quickly with activity and need to rest more often. The second week after chemo is the hardest as that is when I really get hammered by he side effects of the chemo drugs.
After speaking with the oncology nurse about it today, I think that it might be a good idea to hold off going back to work for a while longer. Dr. Oken told me that as the tumor shrinks I should get more energy but because it is shrinking so slowly there is no telling how many treatments it is going to take before that happens.
It's only 9:30 P.M and I'm already starting to nod off as I am sitting here so I need to close but not before I say thank you to Molly, Sue, Beatrice and Myron for all the help they have given me this week. Thank you for being here for me and thank you for all the time you have spent to make my life easier. I really do appreciate it and have asked the Lord's richest blessing for all of you.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Round 3 ;Day 2
Yesterday I started my third round of Chemo. It was still hard for me to get out of bed and go to it. I finally decided to get up and clean the barn and care for the animals. That helped to calm me and then I came inside to clean up. I had silently said a prayer that Sue would forget that she had offered to take me to my chemo treatment so that I could delay if not forget about my appointment but true to her word she called and asked what time I was suppose to be there. I called her back and set up a time for her to pick me up. She went with me and sat with me the whole time.
I marvel at her courage to do so as she has spent time in that room going through chemo as well. I wondered if it would bring back a flood of memories for her but she did real well.
My Chemo treatment went pretty well, I only got light headed once and got the normal headache from the cytoxan but they lowered my head and monitored my blood pressure until things got back to normal. I was able to get up on my own and walk to the car this time so it did not take as much out of me. When I got home I sat down in the recliner and fell asleep until Brian got home.
This morning Cindy and Marsha brought out some bedding for the geese and the chickens and some nice, plump dates for me. It felt good to have company and to see Marsha, whom I have not seen for a long time. She has had some rough times in her life and I have stayed with her and cared for her and her children for 3 weeks on two different occasions. We have grown close and I love and admire her.
The sun is up and shining brightly today and that has also added to me feeling good today. The geese and the chickens are roaming freely devouring every good morsel of whatever they find. It is a little bit of heaven here on earth today and I'm loving it. I am feeling good and have to be very careful not to overdo it or I'll be wiped out tomorrow. This next two weeks the chemo will be fighting the cancer and I need to rest and take it easy on my body. My blood counts will be there lowest in 13 days now and after that my body will try to repair itself for a week and then it will be another round of chemo. Between now and then I will have my blood checked every Monday and I will see Dr. Oken again. For now my blood counts look good and my blood, although still on the thin side is better than what it was. They have lowered my coumadin(Warfarin) levels and that has helped.
Just as a side note: I still have my hair! It has grown quite a bit and so I may have to think up a new hair style. I thought about spiked hair, dyed purple with pink tips! Maybe that is a little too dramatic!
I marvel at her courage to do so as she has spent time in that room going through chemo as well. I wondered if it would bring back a flood of memories for her but she did real well.
My Chemo treatment went pretty well, I only got light headed once and got the normal headache from the cytoxan but they lowered my head and monitored my blood pressure until things got back to normal. I was able to get up on my own and walk to the car this time so it did not take as much out of me. When I got home I sat down in the recliner and fell asleep until Brian got home.
This morning Cindy and Marsha brought out some bedding for the geese and the chickens and some nice, plump dates for me. It felt good to have company and to see Marsha, whom I have not seen for a long time. She has had some rough times in her life and I have stayed with her and cared for her and her children for 3 weeks on two different occasions. We have grown close and I love and admire her.
The sun is up and shining brightly today and that has also added to me feeling good today. The geese and the chickens are roaming freely devouring every good morsel of whatever they find. It is a little bit of heaven here on earth today and I'm loving it. I am feeling good and have to be very careful not to overdo it or I'll be wiped out tomorrow. This next two weeks the chemo will be fighting the cancer and I need to rest and take it easy on my body. My blood counts will be there lowest in 13 days now and after that my body will try to repair itself for a week and then it will be another round of chemo. Between now and then I will have my blood checked every Monday and I will see Dr. Oken again. For now my blood counts look good and my blood, although still on the thin side is better than what it was. They have lowered my coumadin(Warfarin) levels and that has helped.
Just as a side note: I still have my hair! It has grown quite a bit and so I may have to think up a new hair style. I thought about spiked hair, dyed purple with pink tips! Maybe that is a little too dramatic!
ROY G BIV
No,There is not a new man in my life!
When I was in middle school one of my science teacher's gave us an acronym to help us remember the colors of the rainbow. It is strange how we can remember some things but this is one that I remember.
It is simply ROY G BIV
This morning I woke up at 2 AM and waited for an hour to fall back asleep but all I could think of was Roy G Biv, so I am going to share those thoughts with you.
What makes up my rainbow?
R. "R" is for Red it reminds me of the Lord. He is at the top of my rainbow. It reminds me of the blood He shed for me, that through faith, repentance, baptism and the Gift of the Holy Ghost I can return to His presence. I do not need to carry my burdens on my shoulders, He is there to help lift them,when I fall and to strengthen me when I am weak. He is my Rock, my Redeemer, my Refuge. And so much more!
O. "O" is for the Outstanding Medical team that the Lord has put in place to help me get through this process. They are only human and are subject to making errors like me or any one else on this planet and that is why we need to pray for them daily.I pray that the Lord will bless them with clear minds, wisdom,good judgment,steady hands and anything else they may need to help them do their jobs.
Y. "Y" reminds me of the color yellow. It is bright and cheerful. It reminds me of the sun, which gives me warmth and light and lifts my spirit whenever it comes out.It reminds me of my family and friends who watch over me and take such good care of me. They lift my spirit and help to sustain and support me when I am weak.My treatments are going so well and yet I am still so resistive to going to them. It is a battle which I know Heavenly Father knows I am fighting and so He has given me the support of friends and family to make sure that I get there. Lord, Bless them abundantly for all their prayers, love and support. I could not fight this battle without them.
G. "G" reminds me of the color green. It reminds me of the spring time, of life renewed by the warmth of the sun and the moisture of the rain. It gives me hope as I see things turn from the dark and drab of winter to the beauty of the spring. It reminds me that this time in my life shall pass also.
B. "B" is for all the Blessings that I have been given in my life. They are many!
My Testimony of Christ and the Gospel. The knowledge that God hears and answers our prayers. The blessings of family and friends. The blessings of living in a time when there is so much medical and technological advances that allow us to have the quality of life that we enjoy. For all of these blessings I am grateful.
I. "I" is for Independence. I try to be as independent as possible. Sometimes I am stubborn and resistive to change and that is not always good. But to be stubborn and independent when you are battling cancer can be a good thing too because it gives you the will to fight back. Cancer can make you strong or it can break you and make you feel resentful and drag you down. I battle with the changes in my life that I must make and I battle with feeling down at times. I have been told that it is okay and normal to feel down at times but I can not let it take over my life.
V. "V" is for Victory! Some battles are hard fought and take a long time to win. I hope to win this battle but even if I don't I am still promised Victory over death, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Cancer may win this battle but it has no claim upon my eternal life and I will be victorious!
Thank you for being a major part of my rainbow!
When I was in middle school one of my science teacher's gave us an acronym to help us remember the colors of the rainbow. It is strange how we can remember some things but this is one that I remember.
It is simply ROY G BIV
This morning I woke up at 2 AM and waited for an hour to fall back asleep but all I could think of was Roy G Biv, so I am going to share those thoughts with you.
What makes up my rainbow?
R. "R" is for Red it reminds me of the Lord. He is at the top of my rainbow. It reminds me of the blood He shed for me, that through faith, repentance, baptism and the Gift of the Holy Ghost I can return to His presence. I do not need to carry my burdens on my shoulders, He is there to help lift them,when I fall and to strengthen me when I am weak. He is my Rock, my Redeemer, my Refuge. And so much more!
O. "O" is for the Outstanding Medical team that the Lord has put in place to help me get through this process. They are only human and are subject to making errors like me or any one else on this planet and that is why we need to pray for them daily.I pray that the Lord will bless them with clear minds, wisdom,good judgment,steady hands and anything else they may need to help them do their jobs.
Y. "Y" reminds me of the color yellow. It is bright and cheerful. It reminds me of the sun, which gives me warmth and light and lifts my spirit whenever it comes out.It reminds me of my family and friends who watch over me and take such good care of me. They lift my spirit and help to sustain and support me when I am weak.My treatments are going so well and yet I am still so resistive to going to them. It is a battle which I know Heavenly Father knows I am fighting and so He has given me the support of friends and family to make sure that I get there. Lord, Bless them abundantly for all their prayers, love and support. I could not fight this battle without them.
G. "G" reminds me of the color green. It reminds me of the spring time, of life renewed by the warmth of the sun and the moisture of the rain. It gives me hope as I see things turn from the dark and drab of winter to the beauty of the spring. It reminds me that this time in my life shall pass also.
B. "B" is for all the Blessings that I have been given in my life. They are many!
My Testimony of Christ and the Gospel. The knowledge that God hears and answers our prayers. The blessings of family and friends. The blessings of living in a time when there is so much medical and technological advances that allow us to have the quality of life that we enjoy. For all of these blessings I am grateful.
I. "I" is for Independence. I try to be as independent as possible. Sometimes I am stubborn and resistive to change and that is not always good. But to be stubborn and independent when you are battling cancer can be a good thing too because it gives you the will to fight back. Cancer can make you strong or it can break you and make you feel resentful and drag you down. I battle with the changes in my life that I must make and I battle with feeling down at times. I have been told that it is okay and normal to feel down at times but I can not let it take over my life.
V. "V" is for Victory! Some battles are hard fought and take a long time to win. I hope to win this battle but even if I don't I am still promised Victory over death, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Cancer may win this battle but it has no claim upon my eternal life and I will be victorious!
Thank you for being a major part of my rainbow!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I'm Still Here
We have been having very nice weather this past week or so and today is no exception. It is warm (around 60) and sunny and I have been outside basking in the warmth.
Yesterday I swiped my sister and went for a drive to ST. Cloud. We had a wonderful time and I found some replacement parts for the cat scratcher. I hope that Fred will use it again instead of the furniture. I have felt pretty good this week and have been very thankful for the nice weather.
On Monday I start the chemo cycle all over again. I'm try hard not to think about it because it depresses me something awful and I get discouraged. There are tears almost every day and at times it is hard to pull myself together.The warm weather and sunshine beckon me to come outside and I am hoping that spring fever will hit me soon.
I have been working to clean my house and to get prepared for the next round of chemo.I am not looking forward to being sucked under by the chemo. It is the dark side of my life and it is cold and cruel.
For now I am going to go enjoy my freedom and my time away from cancer and chemo.
Yesterday I swiped my sister and went for a drive to ST. Cloud. We had a wonderful time and I found some replacement parts for the cat scratcher. I hope that Fred will use it again instead of the furniture. I have felt pretty good this week and have been very thankful for the nice weather.
On Monday I start the chemo cycle all over again. I'm try hard not to think about it because it depresses me something awful and I get discouraged. There are tears almost every day and at times it is hard to pull myself together.The warm weather and sunshine beckon me to come outside and I am hoping that spring fever will hit me soon.
I have been working to clean my house and to get prepared for the next round of chemo.I am not looking forward to being sucked under by the chemo. It is the dark side of my life and it is cold and cruel.
For now I am going to go enjoy my freedom and my time away from cancer and chemo.
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15,2010 Lab Results
For the most part my lab work came back looking good. My white counts are low and that was expected. I looked back at last months labs for this time and they are pretty much the same with some slight improvements this time around.
The one thing that did not come back okay was my protime. Normally blood clots in 9- 10.8 seconds. Today it took mine 43.6 seconds so that means that my blood is too thin. I was told to not take my Warfarin tonight and to go to the hospital if I start having any bleeding issues. I'm not to use a tooth brush and I am to avoid using sharp objects that could cut or puncture the skin. For tonight we will have a prepackaged dinner.
I am scheduled for my next round of CHemo next Monday.
I also had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon today. He has released me from my 20 pound weight restrictions so I'll be taking over the chores again. Brian is going to be one happy man to be done with the chores!
The one thing that did not come back okay was my protime. Normally blood clots in 9- 10.8 seconds. Today it took mine 43.6 seconds so that means that my blood is too thin. I was told to not take my Warfarin tonight and to go to the hospital if I start having any bleeding issues. I'm not to use a tooth brush and I am to avoid using sharp objects that could cut or puncture the skin. For tonight we will have a prepackaged dinner.
I am scheduled for my next round of CHemo next Monday.
I also had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon today. He has released me from my 20 pound weight restrictions so I'll be taking over the chores again. Brian is going to be one happy man to be done with the chores!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Bound by Friendship and Love
I first met Mary in the 7th grade. She had just lost her father and was in need of emotional support. I was just a new student to the Litchfield school district and I needed a good friend. It just so happened that we both went to the same church ( St. Gertrude's in Forest City) and we found each other. I had the strong shoulders for her to lean on and she had the open arms of acceptance and friendship that I needed. We became good friends and remained friends throughout high school and up until the time she left for college. Even then our friendship continued. In December of 1973 I moved to California to stay with and help my sister, Cecilia. Her husband had been sent to sea and she was left alone and expecting their first child. I met and married Brian while out in California. Mary met and married a man and lived in Willmar. Our lives went separate directions at that time. We each had children, both of us had our share of challenges and life has brought us together again. I ran across Mary at her brother's birthday celebration. I hardly recognized her. But we got reacquainted. We kind of separated again after that but it was only to be for a brief time. Life has all kinds of twists and turns and call it fate, call it the hand of God or call it what you will but once again circumstances have brought us together again. Mary found out from a relative of one of my brother-in-laws that I have cancer. She contacted my sister to get my phone number so she could call me. It turns out that Mary had her own battle with cancer.She has been cancer free for five years. Now it is my turn and Mary has come back into my life. This morning we met each other in town and had breakfast together. Mary is a very cheerful and positive person by nature and she is just what I need at this time in my life. How blessed my life has been to have a friend like Mary. It is great to have her back in my life and I welcome her with open arms. We have a lot to catch up on and I look forward to many more visits with her.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Next Step
The CT scan is done and thanks to modern technology the doctor had the pictures to look at as soon as they were loaded from the machine. The good news is that the cancer is responding to the treatments, however it is responding very slowly and so it has made my chemo regimen lengthen out to as long as a year. That will then be followed by two more years of Rituxan. The doctor had been hopeful that the tumor would have shrunk enough to be able to start the Rituxan with my next round of CHemo but because it has not shrunk enough and because attacking tumors of that magnitude aggressively causes major problems that can be fatal it has been put on hold for another two rounds of chemo. After two more rounds I will go through another CT to check and see how much of the tumor is left.
Dr. Oken told us that as the tumor dies off and the size diminishes the after effects of the chemo will become less, however one of the side effects of chemo therapy is that is causes fatigue and that is one thing that does not go away. It has been suggested that I apply for long term disability through social security and I have been giving that some thought. Although this cancer may go into remission, and I hope that it will, it can come back and it can turn aggressive at any time. I think at this point in my life I need to look at this as an early retirement and just enjoy what time God may grant me to be here upon this earth. The thought of a motorcycle with a side car becomes more appealing as the gas prices go up and my desire to travel to see family, friends and the beautiful creations of God has increased. I may have to become a motorcycle mama /grandma!
Dr. Oken told us that as the tumor dies off and the size diminishes the after effects of the chemo will become less, however one of the side effects of chemo therapy is that is causes fatigue and that is one thing that does not go away. It has been suggested that I apply for long term disability through social security and I have been giving that some thought. Although this cancer may go into remission, and I hope that it will, it can come back and it can turn aggressive at any time. I think at this point in my life I need to look at this as an early retirement and just enjoy what time God may grant me to be here upon this earth. The thought of a motorcycle with a side car becomes more appealing as the gas prices go up and my desire to travel to see family, friends and the beautiful creations of God has increased. I may have to become a motorcycle mama /grandma!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Putting Things Into Perspective
I have been thinking about the CT scan that I will have this afternoon and what the outcome of it will be. As I have done so I realized that if I were to get unfavorable news that it would open me up for discouragement and depression and so I have been thinking of ways to put things in their proper perspective.
One way that I have visualized it it to take a piece of paper and fold it in half.
On the right side I would list all the things that I would normally be doing at this time of the year. Planning my garden, spring cleaning, channeling all the snow melt away from the buildings, service projects, genealogy and the list goes on. On the left side of the paper is the cancer. It is there but it doesn't consume the entire side of the paper. It involves the treatments , the tests and lots of rest. It is not the driving force in my life.
I then thought of these motorcycles with the side car. I am in the drivers seat. The cancer is in the side car. I point my life in the direction that I want to go and I go there. Sometimes the cancer may be sitting in the sidecar and hopefully sometimes it will choose to vacate the seat( go into remission).Until there is a cure for Follicular Lymphoma I may have to deal with that annoying occupant. It may slow me down and I'll have to take more time out from my journey but I cannot let it stop me from going forward. I am in the drivers seat and I will go forward.
Posted by Colletta at 7:20 AM
One way that I have visualized it it to take a piece of paper and fold it in half.
On the right side I would list all the things that I would normally be doing at this time of the year. Planning my garden, spring cleaning, channeling all the snow melt away from the buildings, service projects, genealogy and the list goes on. On the left side of the paper is the cancer. It is there but it doesn't consume the entire side of the paper. It involves the treatments , the tests and lots of rest. It is not the driving force in my life.
I then thought of these motorcycles with the side car. I am in the drivers seat. The cancer is in the side car. I point my life in the direction that I want to go and I go there. Sometimes the cancer may be sitting in the sidecar and hopefully sometimes it will choose to vacate the seat( go into remission).Until there is a cure for Follicular Lymphoma I may have to deal with that annoying occupant. It may slow me down and I'll have to take more time out from my journey but I cannot let it stop me from going forward. I am in the drivers seat and I will go forward.
Posted by Colletta at 7:20 AM
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Rebound
Yesterdays labs looked good. My blood is on the thin side but it is better than having it clotted. I am still feeling weak and tired from last weeks round of chemo but I am feeling better this morning than yesterday so I know my body is rebounding. I'm not going to run , skip and jump today but I might try to do some little tasks or maybe I'll just kick back with a book or two and take in some reading time.
Rest is good!
Rest is good!
Monday, March 8, 2010
This Week
Today I go in for blood/ lab work to check and see how everything is looking after last weeks round of chemo and the addition of Warfarin to my list of meds.
On Thursday I will have another CT scan to find out how well this tumor is responding to the treatments. If it has shrunk enough they will add Rituxan to my next round of chemo. I see Dr. Oken after the CT scan on Thursday and he will discuss further plans at that time. Brian will be going with me to that appointment as I get wiped out from the drugs they give me before the scan.
Tomorrow I am suppose to go talk with the physiologist again but I am finding that it wipes me out to be out and about each day. I may have to put that appointment on hold as I need to try to keep up my strength for Thursday.
On Thursday I will have another CT scan to find out how well this tumor is responding to the treatments. If it has shrunk enough they will add Rituxan to my next round of chemo. I see Dr. Oken after the CT scan on Thursday and he will discuss further plans at that time. Brian will be going with me to that appointment as I get wiped out from the drugs they give me before the scan.
Tomorrow I am suppose to go talk with the physiologist again but I am finding that it wipes me out to be out and about each day. I may have to put that appointment on hold as I need to try to keep up my strength for Thursday.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
My Flat Tire
A couple of posts ago I told you about how I discovered that I had a flat tire, after starting to read a book containing cancer survivor stories. That book gave me a lot of insights into my own life and made me realize that there are things that I need to change about my lifestyle.
Let me explain about my flat tire.
In the center of the tire is the rim. It is made of steel and gives strength and support to the tire. That rim is like my spirit. It makes up the core of who I am, it contains my beliefs and my value system. In me that is strong. I am a good person, not a perfect person but a good person. I have my imperfections which I need to work on and correct but I am trying to be a better person and Heavenly Father knows that.
On the outside of the rim is the tire. It protects the rim from damage, as long as it is well maintained. It needs to be rotated and balanced periodically so that it doesn't go out of round and it also needs to have the proper alignment to keep it from wearing out in different places. My body is like that tire. When I was reading about what helped the cancer patients survive, I recognized that there were things in my life that were missing.
I grew up in a large family and we were taught to work. I got my first job when I was 9. It was helping the landlord with his sheep. I did the running in the hills to retrieve the lambs and ewes during lambing season and helped with the feeding, watering and sheering of the sheep.When I wasn't helping there we were in the bean, berry fields and the fruit orchards during the summer or helping around home. So I learned to have a strong work ethic. Life was never intended to be all work. It is to be rotated with rest and leisure activities. Even my leisure activities of gardening ect. have work involved with them. I need to give my body a rest, when I am tired out I need to rest instead of staying on my feet to keep awake.I tend to push myself to get as much work done as possible in a days time and by night time I am exhausted. I need to stop that and take time to rest during the day. I need to treat myself once in a while too. Maybe it is a day off with friends or family to just go and have some fun and enjoyment but that is a part that I have been lacking in as well. It is wholesome recreation to help my body and mind to restore and balance itself. The next thing I need to work on is eliminating bad foods from my diet. For the most part I have a very good diet but after getting diagnosed with cancer and wanting to know what or where i went wrong to allow this to take over I discovered that there were things I need to correct. I love to bake and do canning but I discovered, through study that white, refined sugars and flours actually feed cancer cells. I have discovered that the more a food is processed the greater harm it does to the body. So my cooking and eating habits have to change. I have already started that process. This cancer is a time out and a wake up call for me.
My life is out of balance and I need to be kinder to my body and in the long run to my spirit.
Let me explain about my flat tire.
In the center of the tire is the rim. It is made of steel and gives strength and support to the tire. That rim is like my spirit. It makes up the core of who I am, it contains my beliefs and my value system. In me that is strong. I am a good person, not a perfect person but a good person. I have my imperfections which I need to work on and correct but I am trying to be a better person and Heavenly Father knows that.
On the outside of the rim is the tire. It protects the rim from damage, as long as it is well maintained. It needs to be rotated and balanced periodically so that it doesn't go out of round and it also needs to have the proper alignment to keep it from wearing out in different places. My body is like that tire. When I was reading about what helped the cancer patients survive, I recognized that there were things in my life that were missing.
I grew up in a large family and we were taught to work. I got my first job when I was 9. It was helping the landlord with his sheep. I did the running in the hills to retrieve the lambs and ewes during lambing season and helped with the feeding, watering and sheering of the sheep.When I wasn't helping there we were in the bean, berry fields and the fruit orchards during the summer or helping around home. So I learned to have a strong work ethic. Life was never intended to be all work. It is to be rotated with rest and leisure activities. Even my leisure activities of gardening ect. have work involved with them. I need to give my body a rest, when I am tired out I need to rest instead of staying on my feet to keep awake.I tend to push myself to get as much work done as possible in a days time and by night time I am exhausted. I need to stop that and take time to rest during the day. I need to treat myself once in a while too. Maybe it is a day off with friends or family to just go and have some fun and enjoyment but that is a part that I have been lacking in as well. It is wholesome recreation to help my body and mind to restore and balance itself. The next thing I need to work on is eliminating bad foods from my diet. For the most part I have a very good diet but after getting diagnosed with cancer and wanting to know what or where i went wrong to allow this to take over I discovered that there were things I need to correct. I love to bake and do canning but I discovered, through study that white, refined sugars and flours actually feed cancer cells. I have discovered that the more a food is processed the greater harm it does to the body. So my cooking and eating habits have to change. I have already started that process. This cancer is a time out and a wake up call for me.
My life is out of balance and I need to be kinder to my body and in the long run to my spirit.
Good News
Yesterday I received some of the best news ever! Of the two genetic blood disorders that could have caused my blood clots, both tests came back negative, which means I have not passed on the potential of a blood clotting disorder to my children and grandchildren! That is a huge relief! The test for the acquired blood clotting disorder has not come back yet but because it is a very rare condition I would truly be surprised to have it.For now I am immensely happy with the news that I have received.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Insight
I have so much going through my head right now that my only hope is that I can get it all down before the computer or the internet shut down on me.
Throughout this challenge in my life I have felt so much anger and hostility, both emotions that I do not like and do not want to embrace.I do not want them anywhere near me because they chase off the Holy Spirit and I do not ever want to lose the presence of God in my life.The Scriptures are full of warnings about anger.
Psalms 37:8 "Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil."
Proverbs 22: 24-25 "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul."
It is true that even Christ got angry and felt wrath at times in his life but He knew how to deal with those emotions in a righteous way and He was not clouded by poor judgment and lack of love.
I can not speak for others but when I am angry I do not have good thoughts and feelings running around inside of me and it opens the door wide open for Satan to step in and use his ice picks and daggers to make me a mean and cruel person. I will say and do things that I would not normally say or do and that in turns lowers my self-esteem and leaves me feeling depressed and in a dark mood. Those emotions then feed on themselves and continue to drag me lower, which is exactly what Satan wants. He wants to destroy us and our life with Christ. He wants us to be miserable like him and he wants to keep us from returning home to our Father in Heaven.
I know all this so when I found myself with these horrid emotions floating around inside of me I knew I was in trouble. I prayed but I didn't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and it was because I was so angry that I was not allowing Him to be near me. I was pushing Him away because in my anger I had put in the ear plugs and covered my eyes and my heart so I could not see or feel or hear what He had to say to me. My heart and my mind were not ready to listen and to learn. Only after I asked God to remove the anger was I ready to move on and to learn. I had to ask His forgiveness for my temper tantrums and outbursts and I had to apologize to all of you for all my bad remarks and hurtful comments. Once again I will apologize for all the mean and cruel things that I have said or done to hurt any of you. Please forgive me!
One of the hardest things for me to do is to forgive myself when I mess up and I need to let things go when I have repented of those things because God lets them go and remembers them no more. I know that God has forgiven me because I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit back in my life and I have opened my heart and mind to listen once again.
When I felt all that anger I did not have a name or face to attack and it dwelt inside of me and raged. Since asking the Lord to take it from me, I have found that the anger was more directed at me and my short comings but it boiled out of me at times and spilled over onto every thing around me. I wanted the medical profession to be able to answer questions that I had but for which there are no answers and when they couldn't give me answers I more demanded than asked Heavenly Father for answers. My question was simply what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong in my life to allow this cancer to take a hold on my body. We all have cancer cells floating around in us but we don't all get cancer. Our bodies fight off those cells and kill them but somewhere, some how I managed to weaken my bodies immune system so that it could no longer fight them off and they gained a hold on my body and have been growing. It is by the grace of God that I discovered this tumor and it is by the grace of God that He has placed me in a time and circumstances where I have the best help available to me to fight off this cancer.
I am past the anger and so now I am ready to fight and win this battle.
Again I have been blessed. On Monday, after coming home from my chemo treatment I found a package at my front door. In it was a book from Amazon.com. I opened it up and found a note from my dear friends, the Steiner family. They use to live in Litchfield but a better job closer to family took them out to Oregon.
The book is " What Helped Get Me Through" In it cancer survivors share their wisdom and hope. It was published by the American Cancer Society and edited by Julie K. Silver, MD. I was so tired and wore out after my chemo treatment that I should have gone straight to bed but instead I went to the recliner and started to read. I didn't even make it through the first chapter before I recognized that I have a flat tire. That will take a whole new blog to explain and so I'll cut this one off!
Throughout this challenge in my life I have felt so much anger and hostility, both emotions that I do not like and do not want to embrace.I do not want them anywhere near me because they chase off the Holy Spirit and I do not ever want to lose the presence of God in my life.The Scriptures are full of warnings about anger.
Psalms 37:8 "Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil."
Proverbs 22: 24-25 "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul."
It is true that even Christ got angry and felt wrath at times in his life but He knew how to deal with those emotions in a righteous way and He was not clouded by poor judgment and lack of love.
I can not speak for others but when I am angry I do not have good thoughts and feelings running around inside of me and it opens the door wide open for Satan to step in and use his ice picks and daggers to make me a mean and cruel person. I will say and do things that I would not normally say or do and that in turns lowers my self-esteem and leaves me feeling depressed and in a dark mood. Those emotions then feed on themselves and continue to drag me lower, which is exactly what Satan wants. He wants to destroy us and our life with Christ. He wants us to be miserable like him and he wants to keep us from returning home to our Father in Heaven.
I know all this so when I found myself with these horrid emotions floating around inside of me I knew I was in trouble. I prayed but I didn't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and it was because I was so angry that I was not allowing Him to be near me. I was pushing Him away because in my anger I had put in the ear plugs and covered my eyes and my heart so I could not see or feel or hear what He had to say to me. My heart and my mind were not ready to listen and to learn. Only after I asked God to remove the anger was I ready to move on and to learn. I had to ask His forgiveness for my temper tantrums and outbursts and I had to apologize to all of you for all my bad remarks and hurtful comments. Once again I will apologize for all the mean and cruel things that I have said or done to hurt any of you. Please forgive me!
One of the hardest things for me to do is to forgive myself when I mess up and I need to let things go when I have repented of those things because God lets them go and remembers them no more. I know that God has forgiven me because I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit back in my life and I have opened my heart and mind to listen once again.
When I felt all that anger I did not have a name or face to attack and it dwelt inside of me and raged. Since asking the Lord to take it from me, I have found that the anger was more directed at me and my short comings but it boiled out of me at times and spilled over onto every thing around me. I wanted the medical profession to be able to answer questions that I had but for which there are no answers and when they couldn't give me answers I more demanded than asked Heavenly Father for answers. My question was simply what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong in my life to allow this cancer to take a hold on my body. We all have cancer cells floating around in us but we don't all get cancer. Our bodies fight off those cells and kill them but somewhere, some how I managed to weaken my bodies immune system so that it could no longer fight them off and they gained a hold on my body and have been growing. It is by the grace of God that I discovered this tumor and it is by the grace of God that He has placed me in a time and circumstances where I have the best help available to me to fight off this cancer.
I am past the anger and so now I am ready to fight and win this battle.
Again I have been blessed. On Monday, after coming home from my chemo treatment I found a package at my front door. In it was a book from Amazon.com. I opened it up and found a note from my dear friends, the Steiner family. They use to live in Litchfield but a better job closer to family took them out to Oregon.
The book is " What Helped Get Me Through" In it cancer survivors share their wisdom and hope. It was published by the American Cancer Society and edited by Julie K. Silver, MD. I was so tired and wore out after my chemo treatment that I should have gone straight to bed but instead I went to the recliner and started to read. I didn't even make it through the first chapter before I recognized that I have a flat tire. That will take a whole new blog to explain and so I'll cut this one off!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wiped Out
Yesterday afternoon was too much. I am pretty wiped out today.
I will have to find a ride into town as I am to tired to drive but I need to go have my blood checked and they are planning on giving me fluids.
I will have to find a ride into town as I am to tired to drive but I need to go have my blood checked and they are planning on giving me fluids.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Feeling Good Today
I am feeling pretty good today! I have been able to get quite a bit accomplished and even managed a nap this morning. I am going to have a busy afternoon. I have to go into town to try to get something set up as far as financial things go or we are going to be in big trouble real quick. The cancer treatments and medications are wiping out our health spending account rapidly. My nurse suggested that I talk with Social Services to see if they might be able to help us. It is going to come down to having to make some very tough choices as to which bills get taken care of first.
We have tried so hard to get out of debt and it seems like the harder we try the deeper we sink. I feel like I am failing Brian. He works so hard to keep us afloat and I am like an anchor holding him under water.
I can't go there- or I'll drown in self-pity.
We have tried so hard to get out of debt and it seems like the harder we try the deeper we sink. I feel like I am failing Brian. He works so hard to keep us afloat and I am like an anchor holding him under water.
I can't go there- or I'll drown in self-pity.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Family, Friends and Support
It goes without saying that this is a tough time in my life and although I am faring fairly well from a health stand point my emotions keep caving in. Part of that could be from some of the drugs, part of it could be that I am more tired and weaker to resit
the torments (fear)that Satan tries to throw at me but what ever the reason(s) may be Heavenly Father has blessed me with wonderful friends and family that love me unconditionally and help to bolster my sagging spirit. I want to share two items that I received from both family and friends that have bolstered my spirit today.
The first is from a dear friend in Utah. Her name is Diane. She is able to locate some of the best humor around and pass it on to me, it really brightens my day. I am so blessed to have her as a friend!
I think we all know the true story of the Creation but this little story probably is a good example of why we shouldn't be greedy and try to strike a bargain with the Lord, who knows so much more than us
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
The second item was received through an e-mail from one of my gems( my daughter-in -law Kim). I love her so much and although she is miles away her love reaches through the internet and wraps me in warmth.
I have been reading this book we got for our wedding called Covenant Hearts by Bruce C. Hafen. It's been a pretty informative book about the sacredness of marriage, but the part I want to share is a story about Neal A. Maxwell and his views of when he was diagnosed with Leukemia.I believe the author of this book wrote a biography of Neal A. Maxwell, so it's a personal narrative. I'm just going to quote it word for word and I hope it will help to uplift your spirit.
"When he(Neal A. Maxwell) and his wife, Colleen, first learned that he had Leukemia in 1996, his prospects were very bleak. He had worked for years on making himself "willing to submit" (Mosiah 3:19) to the Lord's will. So in his desire to accept whatever the Lord allotted him, Elder Maxwell felt he had no claim to a special miracle. If it was time for him to face death, he didn't want to shrink from drinking whatever bitter cup was his. But Colleen thought he was too resigned and ready to yield. Speaking directly, she told her husband that Christ Himself earnestly pleaded first, "If it be possible, let this cup pass from me." Only then did He submit himself with, "nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39). Elder Maxwell saw her doctrinal insight and agreed. As a result, they energetically looked for and willingly accepted a new cancer treatment therapy. They continued pleading together for his life, as divine intervention spared him for several more years."
I know that this is hard for you. I wish I could make it better for you. But I truly think that you will get better. We pray for you daily and we're looking forward to May when we can (hopefully if we have enough money) come out to visit. Have a great day and we love you!
Kim
My third blessing comes from a neighbor and friend. Her name is Molly. Molly has been a huge support to me! She has brought in meals and has come over to talk to me to help calm me. She is a very dear Christian friend and has helped me tremendously.
She has been taking me to and from my appointments. I cannot thank her enough for all that she has done for me. She has kept me accountable for making sure that I get to them. There have been days where I have felt like giving up and she has kept me going.
I have many blessings in my life but perhaps the biggest blessing of all comes from all the prayers that are being offered on my behalf. God hears every one of our prayers and He answers them in ways that He knows are best for us.
Thank you so much for all your prayers. He is with me and watches over me daily. I love Him so much and He is so good to me! He has blessed me beyond measure in my life, even though I might not always deserve those blessings because of some crazy temper tantrums that I throw. I am grateful that through the atonement of Christ I can repent of those things which I do wrong and can once again find favor in the sight of the God. I am grateful for His forgiveness and that He does not hold grudge matches or I am sure that He would have volumes against me by this time. How grateful I am for His willingness to forgive and forget and I hope that I can always emulate that wonderful quality in His life. The Lord is a wonderful example to follow!
the torments (fear)that Satan tries to throw at me but what ever the reason(s) may be Heavenly Father has blessed me with wonderful friends and family that love me unconditionally and help to bolster my sagging spirit. I want to share two items that I received from both family and friends that have bolstered my spirit today.
The first is from a dear friend in Utah. Her name is Diane. She is able to locate some of the best humor around and pass it on to me, it really brightens my day. I am so blessed to have her as a friend!
I think we all know the true story of the Creation but this little story probably is a good example of why we shouldn't be greedy and try to strike a bargain with the Lord, who knows so much more than us
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
The second item was received through an e-mail from one of my gems( my daughter-in -law Kim). I love her so much and although she is miles away her love reaches through the internet and wraps me in warmth.
I have been reading this book we got for our wedding called Covenant Hearts by Bruce C. Hafen. It's been a pretty informative book about the sacredness of marriage, but the part I want to share is a story about Neal A. Maxwell and his views of when he was diagnosed with Leukemia.I believe the author of this book wrote a biography of Neal A. Maxwell, so it's a personal narrative. I'm just going to quote it word for word and I hope it will help to uplift your spirit.
"When he(Neal A. Maxwell) and his wife, Colleen, first learned that he had Leukemia in 1996, his prospects were very bleak. He had worked for years on making himself "willing to submit" (Mosiah 3:19) to the Lord's will. So in his desire to accept whatever the Lord allotted him, Elder Maxwell felt he had no claim to a special miracle. If it was time for him to face death, he didn't want to shrink from drinking whatever bitter cup was his. But Colleen thought he was too resigned and ready to yield. Speaking directly, she told her husband that Christ Himself earnestly pleaded first, "If it be possible, let this cup pass from me." Only then did He submit himself with, "nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39). Elder Maxwell saw her doctrinal insight and agreed. As a result, they energetically looked for and willingly accepted a new cancer treatment therapy. They continued pleading together for his life, as divine intervention spared him for several more years."
I know that this is hard for you. I wish I could make it better for you. But I truly think that you will get better. We pray for you daily and we're looking forward to May when we can (hopefully if we have enough money) come out to visit. Have a great day and we love you!
Kim
My third blessing comes from a neighbor and friend. Her name is Molly. Molly has been a huge support to me! She has brought in meals and has come over to talk to me to help calm me. She is a very dear Christian friend and has helped me tremendously.
She has been taking me to and from my appointments. I cannot thank her enough for all that she has done for me. She has kept me accountable for making sure that I get to them. There have been days where I have felt like giving up and she has kept me going.
I have many blessings in my life but perhaps the biggest blessing of all comes from all the prayers that are being offered on my behalf. God hears every one of our prayers and He answers them in ways that He knows are best for us.
Thank you so much for all your prayers. He is with me and watches over me daily. I love Him so much and He is so good to me! He has blessed me beyond measure in my life, even though I might not always deserve those blessings because of some crazy temper tantrums that I throw. I am grateful that through the atonement of Christ I can repent of those things which I do wrong and can once again find favor in the sight of the God. I am grateful for His forgiveness and that He does not hold grudge matches or I am sure that He would have volumes against me by this time. How grateful I am for His willingness to forgive and forget and I hope that I can always emulate that wonderful quality in His life. The Lord is a wonderful example to follow!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Round 2 Begins
Today I spent five hours in the chemo chair. I was told that my scalp will start to hurt and that I will be losing my hair. I was also told that my blood is not thinning out enough on the warfarin and so I have to continue giving myself shots. The good thing is that with the meds that I have been taking they were able to get my port to open up without having to give me the heart attack meds.
I am home, I am wiped out, I feel weak and tired but I am alive.
I have to go back on Thursday for more blood work and they are going to pump extra fluids into me. I have to increase my Warfarin to 10 Mg. /day I also have to place tight restrictions on foods containing Vitamin K. No more than 90mcg/ day.
I have to drink 80 ounces of water/ day.
The doctor also ordered anti- anxiety medications for me so now I have to readjust all my med times.
It is time for my shot
I am home, I am wiped out, I feel weak and tired but I am alive.
I have to go back on Thursday for more blood work and they are going to pump extra fluids into me. I have to increase my Warfarin to 10 Mg. /day I also have to place tight restrictions on foods containing Vitamin K. No more than 90mcg/ day.
I have to drink 80 ounces of water/ day.
The doctor also ordered anti- anxiety medications for me so now I have to readjust all my med times.
It is time for my shot
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