Insight

I have so much going through my head right now that my only hope is that I can get it all down before the computer or the internet shut down on me.

Throughout this challenge in my life I have felt so much anger and hostility, both emotions that I do not like and do not want to embrace.I do not want them anywhere near me because they chase off the Holy Spirit and I do not ever want to lose the presence of God in my life.The Scriptures are full of warnings about anger.

Psalms 37:8 "Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil."
Proverbs 22: 24-25 "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul."

It is true that even Christ got angry and felt wrath at times in his life but He knew how to deal with those emotions in a righteous way and He was not clouded by poor judgment and lack of love.

I can not speak for others but when I am angry I do not have good thoughts and feelings running around inside of me and it opens the door wide open for Satan to step in and use his ice picks and daggers to make me a mean and cruel person. I will say and do things that I would not normally say or do and that in turns lowers my self-esteem and leaves me feeling depressed and in a dark mood. Those emotions then feed on themselves and continue to drag me lower, which is exactly what Satan wants. He wants to destroy us and our life with Christ. He wants us to be miserable like him and he wants to keep us from returning home to our Father in Heaven.

I know all this so when I found myself with these horrid emotions floating around inside of me I knew I was in trouble. I prayed but I didn't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and it was because I was so angry that I was not allowing Him to be near me. I was pushing Him away because in my anger I had put in the ear plugs and covered my eyes and my heart so I could not see or feel or hear what He had to say to me. My heart and my mind were not ready to listen and to learn. Only after I asked God to remove the anger was I ready to move on and to learn. I had to ask His forgiveness for my temper tantrums and outbursts and I had to apologize to all of you for all my bad remarks and hurtful comments. Once again I will apologize for all the mean and cruel things that I have said or done to hurt any of you. Please forgive me!

One of the hardest things for me to do is to forgive myself when I mess up and I need to let things go when I have repented of those things because God lets them go and remembers them no more. I know that God has forgiven me because I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit back in my life and I have opened my heart and mind to listen once again.

When I felt all that anger I did not have a name or face to attack and it dwelt inside of me and raged. Since asking the Lord to take it from me, I have found that the anger was more directed at me and my short comings but it boiled out of me at times and spilled over onto every thing around me. I wanted the medical profession to be able to answer questions that I had but for which there are no answers and when they couldn't give me answers I more demanded than asked Heavenly Father for answers. My question was simply what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong in my life to allow this cancer to take a hold on my body. We all have cancer cells floating around in us but we don't all get cancer. Our bodies fight off those cells and kill them but somewhere, some how I managed to weaken my bodies immune system so that it could no longer fight them off and they gained a hold on my body and have been growing. It is by the grace of God that I discovered this tumor and it is by the grace of God that He has placed me in a time and circumstances where I have the best help available to me to fight off this cancer.

I am past the anger and so now I am ready to fight and win this battle.
Again I have been blessed. On Monday, after coming home from my chemo treatment I found a package at my front door. In it was a book from Amazon.com. I opened it up and found a note from my dear friends, the Steiner family. They use to live in Litchfield but a better job closer to family took them out to Oregon.

The book is " What Helped Get Me Through" In it cancer survivors share their wisdom and hope. It was published by the American Cancer Society and edited by Julie K. Silver, MD. I was so tired and wore out after my chemo treatment that I should have gone straight to bed but instead I went to the recliner and started to read. I didn't even make it through the first chapter before I recognized that I have a flat tire. That will take a whole new blog to explain and so I'll cut this one off!