The Tests Begin

I was scheduled for another CT scan the following day. This one was to be of the chest cavity to rule out the possibility of cancer in that region of my body. Another round of pretreatment drugs, another scan but this time I received good news. There was no sign of cancer above the diaphragm. The doctor scheduled me to come back on the 30th to have a biopsy done. I arrived at the hospital early that morning to prepare for the procedure. Brian, my husband, was with me as was our daughter, Melinda and my sisters. An ultra sound of the lymph nodes was ordered before surgery to see if they could find a viable sample from either my groin or arm pits. There was only one possible lymph node that held promise. It was in my arm pit and so the doctor prepared to go in and harvest it. Once it was harvested it would be driven 25 miles to Willmar for the pathologist to look at it.
I was given a light sedative and the procedure was done. Everything went well until the doctor received a call from the pathologist telling him that it was not a viable sample of tissue. Back in to surgery I went.
This time the doctor would have to open up my abdomen and remove tissue directly from the tumor. I was on the operating table three hours this time. As the doctor waited for the pathologist to call him back he checked out my other internal organs. They all appeared to be okay. I was in immense pain when I was coming out of the anesthetic and so I was given morphine, catheterized, and kept on oxygen . I would be spending the night in the hospital. I was released from the hospital at 6PM the following day. The surgeon had been in contact with the oncologist and the oncologist ordered more tests. A Mugga Scan of the heart to find out how well it was working and bone marrow biopsies from each hip. I was scheduled for surgery again on the 5th of January. My emotions were running on a roller coaster and they were headed down.I started to have reactions to all the medications I had been given in the hospital and I felt sick. People were constantly calling me with advice on how best to treat this cancer and offering me their support. I began having feelings of anxiety and panic and was having a hard time with dealing with the reality of it all. I didn't want to talk about it and I just wanted to be left alone. I started to become mean tempered and angry and Brian was getting the brunt of it. The problem was I didn't know who or what I should be angry with, I was just feeling angry. All the plans I had looked forward to for this new year were crumbling. I would likely be spending this year in a weak and vulnerable condition and would have to let others take care of me and all that I had been taking care of. I felt angry and I didn't like that feeling. I felt hopeless and I didn't want to go through Chemo therapy!
Brian and I arrived at 7 AM on the 5th of January for the biopsies and the scan. The doctor was also going to put in a port for the chemo drugs to be put into so that they would not keep having to find a vein to put the drugs in. The doctor came in to talk to us and we found out that I have Follicular Lymphoma. He gave us some papers to read about Follicular Lymphoma. The bone marrow biopsies would help to determine just how far the cancer had spread in my body. The Mugga scan would tell if my heart could handle chemo therapy. This was called the staging process.
The tests are completed now and so we wait for the results.
I am heart sick to note that there is no cure for this cancer and they can not operate to remove the tumor because of its location. It is in the mesentery which is vital to keeping the internal organs in place.
As I read the information that I am given I become more discouraged.
Brian finds hope, I feel despair. There is no cure so what is the point in going through all the pain and suffering of chemotherapy. Even if it goes into remission I might only get another ten years and what will my quality of life be like? Will I be healthy enough to do the things I love so much? Will I suffer lasting side effects from all the chemo drugs? There are no answers.