A Note To All

I found out through the grapevine that this site is causing a lot of stress for people who are reading it. I want you to all know that it was never my intention to cause you stress. It is a very stressful time in my life right now and I need to have some way of letting go of it. I can not keep it bottled up inside of me and so to write down what is going on helps to relieve some of that stress.

I want you all to know that although a couple of the doctors have made some potentially very dangerous mistakes God has stepped in to protect me. I woke up this morning around two and was stressed out about Monday. It is not going to be an easy day and I am very scared. I am not going to go into details because it will cause me to only stress out more. I have to pray that the Lord will be with me to watch over and protect me and to give the nurses and doctors guidance and good judgment as they try to deal with the problems.I need to pray for peace and comfort and ask the Lord to release me from the anxiety which I feel. The Lord will help me through this.

Blood Tests

This morning I'll be going into the hospital for more blood tests. This time it will be to check to make sure that my blood can still clot fast enough to prevent me from losing too much blood should I get a cut or otherwise get injured. I imagine that they will also try to access the port again today to see if it has opened up.
If Dr. Oken is in today and the test results are back from the other blood tests he will likely talk to me about that as well.
I sure have some questions for him.

Radiology Report

I got the radiologists report today. The CT scan showed blood clots in the right axillary, subclavian and cephalic veins. There is a fibrin sheath around the right subclavian Port-A-Cath with luminal narrowing of the right brachiocephalic vein by 40 to 50 %. This fibrin sheath covers the outside of the catheter and is obstructing the opening into the superior vena cava. The contrast did not flow freely away from the tip of the catheter but instead traveled retrograde along the walls of the port- a-cath in a cephalad direction. It is consistent with the passage of the contrast between the catheter wall and the fibrin sheath. Basically, the catheter and the port are blocked by this fibrin sheath, which is why they can not get blood from the port and why it takes so long for it to empty. The nurse told me that to clear the blockage from the catheter they will have to give me the same medication that they would give some one who is having a heart attack.
These problems apparently are not normal and they do not see them very often. There are three blood clotting disorders that they are checking me for. Some are genetic and some are aquired. They drew the blood out of my arm for those tests yesterday and we are still awaitint the results of those tests.
I have been receiving an anti coagulant by injection every day since Tuesday. The nurse has been giving me that injection but today she turned that job over to me and so I gave my first injection into my abdomen today. It went well. I'll get my blood checked tomorrow and fairly frequently to make sure that it doesn't get too thin. I will take these injections through the weekend and supposedly by Monday my blood should be thin enough to receive more chemo. I am not very enthused about taking drugs that make my blood coagulate and form clots. I cried a good portion of last night. Brian hates nursing homes and will not go in them. I asked him if he would come and visit with me if I were to end up in one because of a stroke or a heart attack. I don't think he would- he didn't answer that question. I cried myself to sleep.
I visited with my Dad this afternoon and it gave me a lot of comfort just to hold his hand and to talk to him. I love my Dad!
I got a call last night from one of the ladies that I help and she was having a tough night so I promised her a visit today. All the ladies and the staff gave me a big hug and it felt so good. We had a wonderful visit. I love them all and am blessed to have such great friends.

I'm Still Here

After yesterday's discouraging news I felt so down that all I could do was cry. It helped me alot when Sue, my next door neighbor and also a cancer survivor, dropped in for an unexpected visit.She and her son, Daniel, left around five and with them going came the discouragement setting back in. It was horrible and by seven I was in peril. I needed to talk or get out of the house but I was afraid that if I got in the car and a wave of anger were to come over me that I would pick the first semi to run into. I contemplated calling 911 and having them take me to a crisis center. I also contemplated throwing my car keys as far out into the field as I could toss them but then I contemplated on just calling and talking to my son Steve, who has his Bachelors degree in psychology.More than that though he has a deep love of our Savior and a profound understanding of the Gospel. I decided that he was exactly the person I needed to talk to. We talked for nearly two hours and by the time I got off the phone I was more in control of myself and Brian was home from work.
Last night, as I lay in bed, I asked God to please show me his presence in my life at this time. I needed to know that if He was truly orchestrating these events to help me grow and learn then I needed to see His hand in it. I got my answer. Where two doctors failed to recognize that I was in BIG trouble just by looking and observing the outside conditions of my arm over the past two weeks, Heavenly Father was able to block off the port so that they had to look deeper and do more in depth studies. As they did that yesterday, they found the deep seated blot clots and further treatments with drugs that may not agree with my body were put on hold.
God is with me and He is watching over me! I am in His arms at this hard time in my life and although I do not have all the answers to my questions, it helps to know that He is with me.

Blood Clots

It's blood clots in the catheter, around the catheter and in the main vein going to the heart. So I have screwed up my health once again. The port is causing blood clots but they won't remove it because they still want me to have chemo. Chemo is on hold until they get rid of the blood clots by giving me shots for the next six days and then I will be on rat poison for the rest of my life or as long as they make me continue to have this port in but the doctor told me I will be on blood thinners for at least the next six months.
I am upset to say the least. PLease leave me alone as I am not fit to be near or speak to anyone today. Brian drove me to and from my appointment and it is a good thing because I would have pulled into oncoming traffic. A semi would have made a good weapon

The Plan of Attack

So- as you may have read in the previous blog, I did not get a chemo treatment today because the port is not working. I received a phone call this afternoon and I am to come prepared for surgery at 7:30 in the morning. They will first draw blood through a vein in the arm to find out where my blood levels are at then they will give me a chest x-ray to see if the port has become disconnected from catheter. If it is still connected they will inject dye into me and x-ray the area to see if there are any breaks/defects/ or blood clots. Depending upon what they find, it will likely mean surgery to fix, replace, or repair the problem. If it is blood clots I don't know what they are going to do. The nurse just told me to be prepared for anything.

Just keep praying, please. One of the side-effects of one of the drugs was circulatory collapse after the first dose. All the pain in the arm, the swelling of the area, the discoloration of my arm are pointed in that direction. My life is in God's hands and the hands of the medical team He has put together for me.

Chemo on hold

I went in to the hospital today for my next chemo treatment and ended up coming home without it. Before I get any chemo treatments they always do lab work to make sure all my blood counts are okay and also to check if the port is working properly. Today the ladies in the lab could not get my port to operate and so they could not get any blood to flow through or saline solutions to flow through so they couldn't give me chemo.
I am still having pain in my arm on the port side and so either I have a blood clot somewhere between the port and the heart or my body is turning on the port and rejecting it. The radiologist isn't in Litchfield today and so I have to wait fro him to come to town before they do a die study to find out what is going on. It is possible that I am going to end up in surgery again. I just pray that if it is a blood clot that has formed in the line that it doesn't break loose because the first place it will head is straight to the heart.
FOr now I am home and the nurse told me to take some aspirin.She is going to contact the Drs'. and discuss the problem with them.

Round One

The first round is done and I am still standing. I got hit with a couple good blows but I was able to bounce back. I am sure that it was because of all the prayers that have been said for me and the medications that were prescribed that it went so well.

Round two starts Monday. I kept a very good journal of my first round and so it should help to prepare me for the second round. The key to preventing some of the side- effects is to make sure that I drink at least 80 ounces of fluid each day. Day three and four of the first round were where I felt like my body was on fire.My mouth got real sore but I didn't develop open wounds. A lot of cold water to the body and cold fluids to the mouth helped to deal with that. The second week was elimination week of the chemicals and they made my bowels sore. It made my stools loose and extremely acidic. Drinking apple juice and eating homemade custard helped to tame it a bit. I am also on an antacid to help with that problem.

I have been staying at my sisters house in town during this first round for a number of reasons. Since things went so well I believe I will come back home to the farm for round two. I spoke with Brian about it this morning and I believe he is happy that I am coming back home. The doctor still has me on a twenty pound weight restriction so Brian will still have to carry some of my work load but he will not have to cook,clean, do laundry or dishes and I know that will make him happy.

Apology

The first thing I need to do is to apologize to everyone for my bad attitude, for my words spoken/ written in anger and for being so negative towards those who deserve so much respect. I apologize to all of the medical community for claiming that they are out to get us. These are very kind and compassionate people or they wouldn't be doing what they do. They would not devote their lives to helping other people feel better. So my deepest apologies to them. I really do have a good health care team and I have treated them poorly. That will change from this time forth.

Acceptance & Reclaimation

A recent conversation with one of my brother-in-laws made me take time to think and ponder where I am at in life. He really laid out everything pure and simple for me.
That conversation put things into proper perspective for me.
The first thing that I realized is that this cancer has been winning because it has been able to make me do things that I otherwise would not do- get angry with just about everything in life.

The second reality hit when I realized that it was controlling me. Many people are faced with living with diseases every day- arthritis, diabetes, heart problems,epilepsy, MS, MD, and the list goes on but they continue to live good lives and they learn to adapt. Many of them take drugs to help with the symptoms and have to deal with side effects on a daily basis. Their diseases do not define who they are.
I have been diagnosed with a disease that I will live with for the rest of my life. The doctor maybe able to get it into remission but it is uncertain how long it will remain there. I cannot allow it to consume me and need to get on with my life. I need to learn to live with it and make the best of life.

On the Rebound

Today's lab results show that I am on the rebound side from the first chemo treatment. With the exception of my white blood count and the number of lymphocytes in the blood everything else has gone back up into the normal range. If my white count goes back up I will receive my next chemo treatment on the 22nd.
I saw Dr. Peterson today as well. He checked out my arm more and did a chest x-ray to make sure that my port and supply line were still in place. Everything looked okay. If things start to change they will do an ultrasound next. I am still on weight lifting restrictions for another month. He said that if after that time things are going better we will talk about a release to go back to work.

Help Wanted!

After receiving two blessings and the following article from my daughter -in-law I think I finally get it- I am suppose to ask for help. I have always thought that we are suppose to be self sufficient and stand on our own feet so asking for help has been something that I do not do unless I am truly stumped by a problem.
Here is the article that my daughter -in- law sent me.

From Deseret News archives:
Elder Maxwell recounts blessings Battle against cancer brings 'sharper focus'
By Lynn Arave Deseret News staff writer
Published: Sunday, June 6, 1999 12:00 a.m. MDT

Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the LDS Church's Quorum of the Twelve appears to be recovering nicely from leukemia.
But contrary to what many people may suspect, he considers his cancerous disease to be more of a blessing than anything else.Speaking at the annual National Cancer Survivors Day for Utah at Hogle Zoo Saturday, he said one of the blessings of cancer is that it can help a person sort out the big things from the little things in life.
"We have a different perspective, a sharper focus," he said about cancer patients. "I've been given by the Lord a delay en route."
Elder Maxwell, 72, said hair is one of those things that doesn't seem as important after suffering from cancer. A loving conversation with your family, however, ends up seeming very critical.
He was diagnosed with leukemia three years ago. It was caught fairly early but was progressing very rapidly. He had multiple chemotherapies and ended up spending 46 days in the hospital.
Elder Maxwell was only able to work part time in his church duties until 10 months ago when he regained his strength and returned to full-time status.
"I feel much better now," he said.
He's still receiving some chemotherapy but remains very hopeful.
"Each of us faces an eventual exit route," he said of life.
Elder Maxwell said quite a number of general authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been stricken with cancer, including President Spencer W. Kimball, Elder Bruce R. McConkie and President Howard W. Hunter.
"There's no immunity from suffering," he said of church leaders. "Only variation from suffering. How we handle it is the key."
He's especially thankful for the special care his wife, Colleen, whom he describes as a "Florence Nightingale," provided him.
Elder Maxwell said leukemia also has given him a much greater appreciation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Another blessing he made reference to from his illness was a better capacity to receive help from others.
"We must learn to receive," he said.
He said he also has a greater respect for the doctors and nurses who deal with cancer patients on a daily basis. He credited the advances of medical science for also helping more cancer patients recover.
"I'm wiser by the experience," he said.
The church leader advised cancer patients against wondering why me and why now? He urged patients not to allow tomorrow to overhang today and to continue to avoid self-pity.
He had told the organizers of the event that he wasn't looking for any special treatment or recognition there. He was just glad to attend such an event where special kinship can be felt.
"I draw from their fellowship," he said.
Indeed, he was not dressed in the usual suit and tie apparel of the general authority, but rather a jacket, T-shirt and casual pants. He even carried and sometimes wore a baseball cap.
Heidi Lindsay, a 19-year-old with Hodgkin's disease, said the toughest thing she's had to learn is letting other people help her.
"A positive attitude will get you through anything" she said.
Doug Bates, another survivor, said he believes cancer is actually harder on the people that care about us than anyone else.
"I know how I feel on a given day. My wife doesn't," said the attorney for the State Office of Education. "She worries. . . . I'd rather be the patient than the caregiver."
Cancer survivors were given a free admission day at the zoo Saturday, plus a picnic lunch and a chance to attend a Salt Lake Buzz baseball game in the evening.
Event organizers also are planning another hike to Kings Peak, plus a tram ride to Hidden Peak in July, as well as a candlelight vigil Sept. 25.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

That being stated it is hard for me to ask for help and I must say that I have to swallow my pride to do so but if that is what Heavenly Father wants me to do I'll do it so I'll let you know more about my winter activities since now is when I'm doing my battle.

First I live on a farm and I am the one who takes care of it. During the winter I prepare for the next season. Ladies, I want you to know that I am a horse of a different color. But this is what I will need your help with.I am not going to ask any men, except Brian, for their help as I feel it would be totally inappropriate for me to do so.I do not want to stir up strife in homes by taking husbands out of their homes,where they belong, to work on my jobs. They have their own work to get done in their own homes and that is where they should be. Helping their families!

One of the first tasks that I do is to prepare the lawn/garden tractor for the next year. This means tearing it down, cleaning it up, and lubricating it as well as replacing worn parts. The deck has to be removed, cleaned and lubricated. The engine housing gets removed and the engine gets cleaned, the oil gets changed, the fuel filter and air filters get changed, the transaxle oil gets checked and will need to be changed. The wheel bearings and the bushings may need to be repacked or changed.
So perhaps one of you has a hidden talent of being able to tear things apart and fix them. That will be a task that needs to get done.
I am also planning on having a garden in the spring and as such I am making plans for one now in the winter. Because of previous injuries to my hip and knee I need to adapt. I am going to do raised bed gardening this year. It will require a lot of heavy work and it will not be an easy task. I will be collecting materials a little bit at a time over the winter so that in the spring I can build the beds, remove the old sod, tear up the ground underneath the sod, and fill the boxes with fertile soils. I have hard clay to deal with and so it is a very difficult task.
Because I spend very little time in the house during the summer any work/ repairs that need doing get done during the winter. This years challenges are ripping up old carpeting and vinyl floor coverings. It involves heavy lifting.I have to move an upright grand piano in the living room to get the carpeting out. In the bathroom, I am going to have to lift the toilet off of its fastening in order to get the old vinyl floor coverings out from under it. It is also heavy work and can be frustrating to get things lined up again properly.
I also have a window that needs to be framed and a door that needs to be framed. Once those tasks are complete I'll have to do more taping, sanding and painting.
These are my winter projects for this year and what I will be doing.

I have not asked people for help with these tasks because many people feel that Brian should be doing them and they get angry with him when he doesn't do them so I don't bother asking. But Heavenly Father wants me to ask so I'll ask for help. I am not in this life to point my finger at people- I simply have work to get done and if I don't get in and do it it doesn't get done. I'm just thankful that it isn't spring or summer yet because then life really gets busy.

One of my other winter tasks has been to shovel out the driveway after it snows. I find that task very relaxing and I enjoy it but it does take about five hours of constant labor to clear it. I use a shovel but Brian recently borrowed a snow blower to clear it as I am still on weight restrictions. unless it snows again, I won't need help with that task. My sister has been good about helping me to keep the barn clean but I hope to be able to do that task again as soon as I am off restrictions. I miss not working with the geese and chickens. I see the doctor on the 18th and perhaps by then he will release me so that I can get busy with things.
If any of you feel like you would like to help with any of these tasks please let me know. Like I said I wouldn't normally ask for your help but Heavenly Father has told me to, so now I've done it.

Emotions on a Roller Coaster

My emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week and I really need to press the e-stop to get them off that wild ride. Being tired doesn't help them keep under control either.
I have been having sharp, shooting pain in the right arm this past week and have not slept well because of it. This morning I woke up to find that my right arm was more on the purple side while the left arm and hand were pale white. It was obvious that something wasn't right and so I went into the ER to have it looked at. There was no mistaking the differences in color. The nurse took my o2 levels in both arms and they read close to the same. The doctor checked for blood clots and swollen areas in the arm and shoulder but didn't find anything so he told me to just keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesn't swell, get hot , or so that I don't run a fever. So for now I have one purple arm and one pale white arm. It could have something to do with the fact that the port is in the right chest wall but as of Thursday it was still working correctly. So who knows.

Brian called me last night and asked if he could come in for a visit. I told him that I had had a tough day and that I wasn't in a very good mood. He came anyway and he surprised me with a bouquet of flowers. I think he misses me. This is only the second time in our thirty six years that he has given me flowers. The first time is the day he left for a 6 month cruise while he was in the Navy. We talked about my lab results and I showed him the paperwork from the hospital. It helped to be able to share my feelings with him and not have to compete with a T.V.
I am having a hard time with inactivity. I can't stand sitting around. I want to be up working. I've been doing a lot of baking and cooking but I want to be able to go out and shovel the snow and clean the snow off the roof and do the chores and clean the barn and go back to work. I can't hardly wait for dr. Tim to release me from these restrictions.Maybe I'll volunteer to go clean the streets back east!

The Name of Drugs is DEATH

On sure fire way of killing yourself is to take drugs. A legal way of killing yourself is allowing the medical profession to give them to you.
I AM DESTROYING MY HEALTH BY ALLOWING THESE DRUGS TO ENTER INTO MY BODY.I AM DESTROYING WHAT GOD HAS CREATED AND I"LL BURN IN HELL BECAUSE OF MY CARELESS ATTITUDE. I should be protecting and defending my body with my life if necesary.
I got the lab results of yesterdays blood samples.
My WBC is low. My hemoglobin is low.
My Hematocrit is low. My number of lymphocyte's are low. My % of lymphoctes are low.
WAY TO GO COLLETTA_ YOU ARE GOING TO REALLY SCREWED UP YOUR HEALTH.
WHAT A FLIPPIN IDIOT I AM. DO YOU HAVE NO BRAINS? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO ? PLAY GOD?
Cam and Diane,
I am so sorry. I know you only do what the doctors tell you to do.

Lab results for 2/11/10

My lab work looked good today. Some of the tests were on the low side but still within normal criteria. Jeannne told me that I didn't have to become a hermit but that I should avoid being around people who are ill. My defense system is weak and so i need to make sure that I keep my hands clean and stay away from large crowds of people.
I will be going back in on Monday for more lab tests. I'm not sure if I will have to return next Thursday or not but will go in if they tell me to.
I'm feeling pretty good today and have enjoyed a nice visit with my dad this afternoon in his room.

Lab results

I had my first lab work completed after the first round of Chemo and all levels were within the normal range. I was able to compare the lab results with those that I had done prior to chemo and have seen the changes that are taking place. The bone marrow is taking a hit, which we knew that it would. Dr Oken had originally asked that my blood be checked once per week but has requested that I get it checked again on Thursday. He wants to keep a close watch on it to see how low it is going to go. So we I'll be back at the hospital on Thursday for more lab work.

I have been pretty tired and been battling lose stools this week but I hope to be done with that problem by the weeks end. I'm still keeping a daily journal to help me learn what works to help me feel better. It's a lot of paperwork but it will be worth it if I can lead a fairly normal lifestyle throughout this process.

Fight vs. Flight

As I look back over the events that have transpired to date, I have been able to learn at least one lesson so far from this trial.

As my mom, lay in her hospital bed for the last time, before her passing, I asked her what advice she would give to us kids. She told me two things. First, never to be afraid of loving people and second, that if ever there was something that I either wanted to do or knew that I had to do, not to be a coward but just get in and go for it and do it! My mom was a fighter- she stood up for what she believed in and she went after what she wanted in life. When it was her turn to battle lymphoma, the doctors said that her prognosis was not good but mom fought and she won her battle. She gained another 19 years of life and I think that although it may have not been ideal she was grateful for the time she had.

Now it is my time to battle lymphoma and I have found out from talking with my children that some of them, perhaps all of them, were afraid that I might not fight this battle. I must admit that I did not want to have to fight this battle with Chemotherapy. I had hoped beyond hope that there would be a better way to do battle but I knew in my heart that ultimately, because of the advanced stage of the disease, and also because of the problems that it was causing me,that my option would have to be the chemo route. This then, brings me to another point in my life where I received advice from my father.

I was 19 then! I had been out on my own for a little over a year and during that time I had met several different men whom had taken an interest in me. I had met these guys through my sisters and also at work. The problem was that they all wanted to date me and some of them wanted to marry me. I thought that it was crazy as I felt no one should be married before they were twenty- three. Never - the - less a couple of these guys kept calling my parents and asking for my hand in marriage. My parents told them that they could not make that choice for me. After I had met Brian and we had dated for 6 months, I wasn't sure of myself anymore and I got frightened and took off for Minnesota. It was a flight response to circumstances that I was afraid to get into. Well, needless to say, Brian did not give up on me. He wanted me to marry him and he was bound and determined to find out why I had taken off, when he knew how I felt about him. He called home to talk with me each night and each night I had made plans so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. My Dad had had it with my behavior and sat me down and told me that my behavior was unacceptable. He told me that no matter where I went in life there would always be guys and that i couldn't keep running from all of them.He told me that if I had a problem I always needed to square my shoulders and hit the problem head on. He also told me that he didn't understand why I was running but that it had to stop and that it was going to stop right now. He told me that Brian would be calling me on Thursday night and that I had to take that call.
SO Thursday night I took the call. Brian told me that if I didn't come back to talk to him, he was going to take leave and come back and talk to me. So he told me to make up my mind and let him know what I was going to do. Dad told me I couldn't stay, I had to go back and talk to him. So I went back out to California and that was 37 years ago.

So why, am I talking about this now? It's my past history that has indicated to me that my way of dealing with stress is to take flight. Well, that isn't any way to deal with my problems because they don't go away and sometimes, like now, it could have had very serious consequences. So I need to develop a new strategy for dealing with stress and that is what i have learned so far from this trial.

The Steroid High

Well, the nurse wasn't kidding when she told me that I would get high from the Prednisone. She said that I would feel buzzed on it. Not fully understanding what that meant I can now tell you what it feels like between life with Prednisone vs. life without, well almost without, Prednisone.
When I was taking the five pills /day dosage I felt full of energy and ready to go to work. Today that dosage decreased to 2 pills per day and I can tell you that my tail is dragging! I also feel very groggy so it is hard to stay focused on anything that requires mental thought and clarity. Tomorrow, the dosage will drop again and by Monday I will be off it until the next go around of Chemo. It was nice to feel like my old self again but I will be glad when I can have that same feeling without the use of drugs.
Other than that I don't have anything to complain about. I am home with Brian today and get to spend some time with him- which I am glad to have. We both admit that having each other to hold is a wonderful feeling. That is the natural high as it should be found! I am glad that he is so patient with me when I get so uptight. Fortunately, I don't get that way very often.

Update

Feeling much better today! Slept well last night! Tumor is notably smaller today and the pressure on my lungs and other internal organs is decreasing.
My tongue is no longer sore and although I had a slight sore throat last night a good nights sleep nipped that in the bud!
I am also noting however that the the chemo drugs are starting to make me more tired and a little weaker. This I knew was going to happen so I am not alarmed about that.
I hope to be able to go to church on Sunday but I will have to wait until I get closer to Sunday to make that determination. I'll have to be careful to avoid people that might be sick and restrict my hugging activities but I think I can do that.

Thank you to all of you for your continued prayers on Brian's and my behalf.

Hats for all Seasons!

One of the fun things that has come out of this trial is seeing all the different hats that people have been giving me! My head will be dressed in jewels! The hats are not the most expensive hats but they are far more valuable than anything that would be adorned with jewels because these were sewn in love. Today I received three more hats from a dear friend in Oregon. I love them Denise! I am going to get some pictures and post them so all can see them!
Thank you so much!

Setting Things Straight

I really owe my husband an apology for coming unglued with him. I make no excuses for my behaviors. Yelling at him for seeing the picture differently than I was not right. Two people often see things differently. That is what makes each of us unique. In our 36 years of marriage we have been through some pretty rough times but we have always managed to pull out and overcome the trials. He has assured me that we will overcome this challenge too. We both have a lot to learn. I simply have to learn to look at things in a more positive way. I need to learn to let go and let God take over when I am feeling overwhelmed. I can not change Brian, only he can do that.I can only take responsibility for my own actions and work towards my own self- mastery. No more lectures, no more finger pointing, I just have to get through this and learn from this experience.

First Side Effects

This morning at 2:30 I woke up with a sore mouth and my face, scalp and ears were on fire. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, head and ears. I used the supplies I obtained from the dentist to calm down the heat and soreness in the mouth. I think this might be the start of losing the rest of my hair. I still have my braids in my purse and carry them with me where ever I go. Cancer/ Chemo can never take them from me and can not destroy them. I pray that I do not get mouth sores. I sucked on ice chips during therapy and was told,by a very reliable source that that might help.

Today's blessing is a letter that i received from my daughter. My children and their families and their faith and trust in God is truly a rainbow in my life. When they share the scriptures that have blessed their lives it makes the rainbows glow much brighter!

Melinda is a single mother, who has two wonderful children that she is raising. She is a fantastic mom and amazes me how she can do so much and do it so well. She is currently working on her PhD in plant genetics at the U of W, Madison. I want you to see why she is a big part of my rainbow. This is an excerpt from the letter she sent me.

Mom and brothers/sisters,

I support you in doing whatever you feel is needful to feel close to the Savior during this very difficult time, even if that means going it on your own for a while. It is your choice and your body. I am proud that you chose to go to the temple as a way of dealing with feelings of confusion and conflict. I encourage you to move forward in ways that coincide with this teaching of Paul to Timothy, a young bishop in the early Christian church:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (1 Timothy 1:7).

I also encourage you to consider this scripture from when Lehi was about to die, and he was talking to his young son, Jacob:

"And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow... Nevertheless...thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain" (2 Nephi 2: 1-2).

Please make sure that the actions you choose, you choose in the spirit of finding genuine peace and closeness to the Lord; do not let anger, fear, insecurity, or self-doubt be your motivations. You are a strong and amazing woman who has spent her whole life in service to others. I hope that you will find this trial in the end consecrated to your eternal progression and satisfaction with who you have become.

I love you,

Melinda

Events

Friday morning Brian and I went to visit with the oncologist one last time before having chemo. He laid everything out on the line and I left feeling more anxious and terrified than ever before.
Saturday morning and afternoon I spent in the Temple- it was Heaven on Earth. I desperately needed that time out away from all the stress and anxiety that surrounded me here at home.
Saturday evening I spent with Brian going over the budget and closing out the books for January. During that time everything was okay, my emotions were under control and the house was peaceful. Then we got a phone call from one of our sons. I heard Brian trying to paint this rosy report about how all was going so well- I lost it big time. I think the man must walk around with blinders on his eyes! From the conversations that we have had since December we have shared our thoughts and feelings. Brian is not very good at sharing his feeling but he has shared that he felt very hopeful about all the things the doctor has told us. He and I have definitely been looking at the picture with different lenses in our glasses and some how we are seeing two different pictures. His picture has been painted by some one using cold hard facts with straight lines. Mine has been painted by someone whose expressions come from the heart and are painted by feelings and emotions. It is very abstract and not so sharp and rigid. It looks more like a tornado in the process with a very real aftermath. Our pictures are very different! I don’t know maybe that is a good thing maybe it isn’t but it sure has caused a lot of anguish.
Each day, as the day of Chemo was advancing my emotions were getting more and more unstable.
By Saturday night I wasn't talking with Brian any more. I left the phone unplugged so he couldn't pass on any more information to any one else. I sent off e-mails to my children to let them know what was happening and apologized to Chris for disconnecting his conversation with Dad.
I had all I could handle and Brian couldn't seem to understand why I was so upset. His wife is falling apart emotionally and he hasn't got a clue as to why or what to do about it.
Sunday, While he was in church I packed up some of my clothes and the precious gifts that have been given to me and I moved in with one of my sisters in town. I left a note for Brian and explained why I was leaving. I desperately needed some emotional support and I was not going to find it here at home. Later that day, when I arrived at my sisters house I found her in tears. She had been trying to contact me all day Saturday and all morning Sunday. She had been unsuccessful and she was a basket case too. She was so worried that something had gone wrong. We held onto each other and sobbed as I explained what had been going on. When I asked her if I could stay in her spare room she wanted to celebrate and so another sister, whom also had been worried sick, came over and helped me move in. Needless to say I have found the emotional support that I have needed. Some one who will recognize and accept my feelings and who has been a strong support for me. We have laughed, we have cried and we have had a good time.
On Monday morning it was my date with the freight train of chemicals. I found my anxiety levels out the roof. I could not stand it when the nurse came to greet me. I could not look at her. I had been down to the lab already and the lab technician had bent a needle in the port. It hurt like crazy and then she had to jab at it again. She finally got it right the second time. She flushed the port with saline to make sure it was open and functioning and then she drew all tubes of blood that she needed to make sure everything was good to go for the chemo. After that she flushed the port with more saline and then pushed some heperin into it to make sure that the blood did not clot in the line. SO by the time I got up to the chemo waiting area, I was not in a good mood and I felt very angry. I did not want to talk to anyone and I did not want to see anyone else who was smiling. My sisters knew how upset I was and tried to calm me. The lab lady had called ahead and told the ladies upstairs that things had not gone well for me in the lab. So the nurses contacted the doctor and asked if they could give me some adavan to calm me down and help me with my anxiety. On the way to the chem room the nurse told me that she was going to give me something to help calm me. I was in tears and a total mess. I sat down in the chair and I had a complete melt down. I told her that I had come to do battle with a freight train and I wasn't sure that I was going to win. She told me that she would walk me through it and I asked her to please not tell me when they were going to drug me. I told her that this was just like cleaning a hog barn- the job stinks but it has to be done. They managed to get the adavan into me and let it work on me. It made me feel a whole lot calmer and so at least I could stop crying. Then she gave me the anti- nausea meds and we waited another half hour. Then it was the cytoxan . That took another hour and then it was the vincristine. That didn't take as long. They gave me lunch, it stayed down, they gave me water and ice throughout the treatment. And they gave me predinozone to help deal with the inflammation, the nausea, and to also fight the cancer. I made it through the treatment! It went very well and they are very caring and compassionate people. I am on a lot of medications here at home and I will have to go back in weekly to have my blood checked. I will be on predinozone all this week and will wean off of it on Saturday and Sunday. Then the real battle will hit. I am armed with medications to help with the nausea and if i run into problems with illness or anything else I will have to go to the hospital immediately. My red and white blood counts will be their lowest during the second week after chemo and I may have to wear a mask and avoid crowds and sick people so that I do not compromise my health. All these I can do.
I want to tell all of you THANK YOU for all the fasting and prayers that have been offered on my behalf. I testify to all of you that our prayers are heard and answered! Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us with all their hearts. I am blessed beyond measure to have that knowledge in my life. By the way- That big freight train- it never showed up! The medications came on a pole and entered gently through a tiny needle that dripped ever so slowly. It was easier than having the lab work done. I cannot thank you all enough for everything you have done for me and for all of your support through this trying time in my life. I know that the road ahead may not be easy but the biggest thing that scared me has been reduced to something that I can handle. I will get tired, and will need rest and yes maybe even some help from time to time but I have been assured by many that all I need to do is call. Thank you for all being so kind and helpful.
I love you all!
Colletta