Events

Friday morning Brian and I went to visit with the oncologist one last time before having chemo. He laid everything out on the line and I left feeling more anxious and terrified than ever before.
Saturday morning and afternoon I spent in the Temple- it was Heaven on Earth. I desperately needed that time out away from all the stress and anxiety that surrounded me here at home.
Saturday evening I spent with Brian going over the budget and closing out the books for January. During that time everything was okay, my emotions were under control and the house was peaceful. Then we got a phone call from one of our sons. I heard Brian trying to paint this rosy report about how all was going so well- I lost it big time. I think the man must walk around with blinders on his eyes! From the conversations that we have had since December we have shared our thoughts and feelings. Brian is not very good at sharing his feeling but he has shared that he felt very hopeful about all the things the doctor has told us. He and I have definitely been looking at the picture with different lenses in our glasses and some how we are seeing two different pictures. His picture has been painted by some one using cold hard facts with straight lines. Mine has been painted by someone whose expressions come from the heart and are painted by feelings and emotions. It is very abstract and not so sharp and rigid. It looks more like a tornado in the process with a very real aftermath. Our pictures are very different! I don’t know maybe that is a good thing maybe it isn’t but it sure has caused a lot of anguish.
Each day, as the day of Chemo was advancing my emotions were getting more and more unstable.
By Saturday night I wasn't talking with Brian any more. I left the phone unplugged so he couldn't pass on any more information to any one else. I sent off e-mails to my children to let them know what was happening and apologized to Chris for disconnecting his conversation with Dad.
I had all I could handle and Brian couldn't seem to understand why I was so upset. His wife is falling apart emotionally and he hasn't got a clue as to why or what to do about it.
Sunday, While he was in church I packed up some of my clothes and the precious gifts that have been given to me and I moved in with one of my sisters in town. I left a note for Brian and explained why I was leaving. I desperately needed some emotional support and I was not going to find it here at home. Later that day, when I arrived at my sisters house I found her in tears. She had been trying to contact me all day Saturday and all morning Sunday. She had been unsuccessful and she was a basket case too. She was so worried that something had gone wrong. We held onto each other and sobbed as I explained what had been going on. When I asked her if I could stay in her spare room she wanted to celebrate and so another sister, whom also had been worried sick, came over and helped me move in. Needless to say I have found the emotional support that I have needed. Some one who will recognize and accept my feelings and who has been a strong support for me. We have laughed, we have cried and we have had a good time.
On Monday morning it was my date with the freight train of chemicals. I found my anxiety levels out the roof. I could not stand it when the nurse came to greet me. I could not look at her. I had been down to the lab already and the lab technician had bent a needle in the port. It hurt like crazy and then she had to jab at it again. She finally got it right the second time. She flushed the port with saline to make sure it was open and functioning and then she drew all tubes of blood that she needed to make sure everything was good to go for the chemo. After that she flushed the port with more saline and then pushed some heperin into it to make sure that the blood did not clot in the line. SO by the time I got up to the chemo waiting area, I was not in a good mood and I felt very angry. I did not want to talk to anyone and I did not want to see anyone else who was smiling. My sisters knew how upset I was and tried to calm me. The lab lady had called ahead and told the ladies upstairs that things had not gone well for me in the lab. So the nurses contacted the doctor and asked if they could give me some adavan to calm me down and help me with my anxiety. On the way to the chem room the nurse told me that she was going to give me something to help calm me. I was in tears and a total mess. I sat down in the chair and I had a complete melt down. I told her that I had come to do battle with a freight train and I wasn't sure that I was going to win. She told me that she would walk me through it and I asked her to please not tell me when they were going to drug me. I told her that this was just like cleaning a hog barn- the job stinks but it has to be done. They managed to get the adavan into me and let it work on me. It made me feel a whole lot calmer and so at least I could stop crying. Then she gave me the anti- nausea meds and we waited another half hour. Then it was the cytoxan . That took another hour and then it was the vincristine. That didn't take as long. They gave me lunch, it stayed down, they gave me water and ice throughout the treatment. And they gave me predinozone to help deal with the inflammation, the nausea, and to also fight the cancer. I made it through the treatment! It went very well and they are very caring and compassionate people. I am on a lot of medications here at home and I will have to go back in weekly to have my blood checked. I will be on predinozone all this week and will wean off of it on Saturday and Sunday. Then the real battle will hit. I am armed with medications to help with the nausea and if i run into problems with illness or anything else I will have to go to the hospital immediately. My red and white blood counts will be their lowest during the second week after chemo and I may have to wear a mask and avoid crowds and sick people so that I do not compromise my health. All these I can do.
I want to tell all of you THANK YOU for all the fasting and prayers that have been offered on my behalf. I testify to all of you that our prayers are heard and answered! Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us with all their hearts. I am blessed beyond measure to have that knowledge in my life. By the way- That big freight train- it never showed up! The medications came on a pole and entered gently through a tiny needle that dripped ever so slowly. It was easier than having the lab work done. I cannot thank you all enough for everything you have done for me and for all of your support through this trying time in my life. I know that the road ahead may not be easy but the biggest thing that scared me has been reduced to something that I can handle. I will get tired, and will need rest and yes maybe even some help from time to time but I have been assured by many that all I need to do is call. Thank you for all being so kind and helpful.
I love you all!
Colletta